oh i feel you for sure. i never considered myself on the aromantic spectrum until i talked to people who are very much not aro and i was like oh.
but i dont think you’re (we’re) missing out at all!!! i think being queer has already opened up boundless ways to love and being aroace only broadens the horizons of ways i can love. things aren’t falling under the “normal” boxes, but smells and colours and sights and sounds and vibes and locations and conversations and shapes and touch and all these different wonderful things. it might sound cheesy as hell, but that’s how i see it.
for example, being asexual contributes to the way i observe bodies in motion (and not in motion). ie. there is almost nothing sexual to me about seeing someone naked, but i observe the beauty of their figure nonetheless. i have no desire to bed them, but id love to hold their hand and listen to them tell me about their day. and to me, it feels freeing to not look at someone and feel sexual desire. just raw unfettered love and adoration. and it gives me hope that if i can look at someone like that, someone can look at me like that too!
im not sure if you’re already aware of them, but i think you should also look into to Queer Platonic Relationships (QPR) because after learning what they are it lowkey changed my perspective on what i want in life as an aroace-ish person.
either way, i think you’ll find you know what it feels like to love someone, and that you’ll keep finding new ways the more people you meet !
(( ps. this is all my own experiences and opinions,,, everyone def has different aro/ace/aroace perspectives than me, but thought i’d share mine in case it helps you at all :) ))
17h ago
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Honestly I could be some type of ace so this might be absolute nonsense. But I have loved a couple people and it has felt different every time. And I feel like it also feels different when you're in love with someone who loves you back vs when they don't. The desire to be closer, wanting more and more of a person. But if you have them, feeling settled when they are around. For me the way I love every person feels different. So it's hard to compare and hard to describe. Maybe this means I haven't truly been in love with anyone at all. I feel like I have. The love I feel for my closest friends is still love. It's warm and bright. It makes you more present. You think of them more. Everything else fades into the background.
I wouldn't think about it too hard. There are millions of songs and stories and movies about it. But it's so case specific. You should just nurture the types of relationship and love that you have and that you want to keep. Explore what you feel a desire to explore. I get wanting a confidant and feeling lonely, you should look into queer platonic relationships maybe.
1d ago
now i am a very lucky person because i am in love with some who was once one of my best friends. (sadly this rec probably isn’t universally applicable but contains good lessons i hope!) i’d met him during the first week of freshman year of college, and we immediately became close. hung out a ton and related on a lot of issues/values but our interactions were always platonic.
by wintertime we were being seen together around campus a ton, to the point that our acquaintances started asking whether we were a couple. we’d laugh at the idea, even joking about it ourselves. oh how oblivious we were.
spring rolled around and i suddenly caught feelings. for a couple weeks i tried to convince myself i didn’t like him because i was so afraid of losing our beautiful friendship. i thought it impossible that he would feel the same as me. yes, pretty torturous!! alas, my Emotional Suppression didn’t work. thank god, because one night when we were hanging out in my room he finally kissed me. i had been so afraid but instantly i knew it was right. the risk was worth it.
we’ve now been together for almost two years and he is truly the love of my life. he is the best risk I’ve ever taken. yes this is so platitudinous, but sometimes love comes when you least expect it and appears in odd places!
more generally, i think
- looking for people whose values align with yours is a wonderful place to start establishing intimate and long-lasting relationships, both platonic and romantic.
- it’s never worthwhile to force something to work out if your gut tells you it’s wrong — you’re worth more than that. love doesn’t thrive when it’s fed by obligation and pressure.
- don’t be afraid to present yourself in your full authenticity to others. if someone else has a problem with You in your Grandest Expression, they’re not worth your energy. love is meant to affirm and expand who you are, not place boundaries on it.
- go on self dates and explore what it means to have a loving relationship with yourself! you, as a singular self, are already whole and enough without having a partner. you are complete as a baseline regardless of your relationship status; a partner is meant to complement and embrace this wholeness!!
love is ridiculous and hard and beautiful; trust it when you feel it!!
Nov 10, 2024
Love is so often mistaken for possession and enmeshment. I am yours. You are mine. Two souls, one body. No clear distinction between where one person begins and the other ends. But this isn’t love as I have come to know it. Love is about caring for someone, not only for their sameness, but their differences as well. It’s supporting them when they move closer to you and when their happiness requires they take steps away. It’s a dance of moving apart and coming back together, trusting your partner enough to let go of their hand with the faith that they’ll return.
That’s what love is to me. It is about supporting the whole of another and what is good for them, not just the parts of them that overlap with you and your needs. It’s not transactional, where their purpose is to fulfill all of your needs and “complete” you. A relationship is a collaborative effort: a joint, creative project of countless possibilities.
For the last several years, I’ve practiced relationship anarchy. RA is often associated with ethical non-monogamy but it's more than a dating style. It's a philosophy that seeks to understand and challenge many of the power dynamics at play in our interpersonal relationships. Yes, it is about how we relate to our lovers, but also our friends, our animal companions, the environment, and even ourselves.
Personally, RA has transformed much of my life. It's strengthened my relationship with my partner, it's deepened my friendships - including those with my animal friends - and helped me appreciate the value of community. I don’t expect everyone to align with RA, but I do recommend learning to love others as whole people and not merely as objects to project your deepest desires and fears on to.
Nov 24, 2024
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