Rec | ANXIOUS AVOIDANT LOOP, WHEN THERE’S CLEARLY HEALTHY LOVE ...

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ANXIOUS AVOIDANT LOOP, WHEN THERE’S CLEARLY HEALTHY LOVE PRESENT (LOOKING FOR ADVICE)

I fear that the anxious attachers (myself) who are deeply devoted to doing inner work to embrace a more level-headed presence and invitation, want so badly to empathize and understand their partners’ (avoidant) tendencies. Not to villainize them, and not to negate their own emotional experience but to understand that conscious (even karmic opposite attachment relationships) activate these wounds for deeper reasons than maybe we can comprehend. The hardest part is knowing that you’re putting into the emotional energy economy, making your counterpart aware of this, and that they are also aware of what needs to change but are in a stalemate frozen with fear of failing, or being imperfect or letting the connection deepen into deeply devoted unveiled love. That is the complexity because love exists very clearly, softly, silly’ly and perhaps often, inconsistently, so it’s difficult to know when to keep grasping for more, and letting them open up to their own journey and walking, maybe even guiding them alongside of the emotional healing because we know what it’s like to be tortured of our emotional hearts and vulnerability. I’m 25, almost 26 and this is the most conscious partnership I’ve ever been in, but we are constantly doing healing work, having difficult conversations, feeling tension, love, expansion, connection and shared wisdom and warmth, and many things on the internet or in books tell you to walk away from it even if it sometimes gives you what you want, but for me I just don’t know if I’m at that space yet. I want to watch him heal, and I want to heal more of myself, even if I’ve already done so much work. Like I want someone integrating their shadows into the light with me, because I’m not a surface-level human, this digging and re-planting, death and rebirth. Is this what relationships are about or do people like me (anxious attacher’s) just stay longer because their hearts are more open, hopeful and wishing?

@Splendid-Visions

Jun 23, 2025

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@ariascalling

From my personal experience: I am also anxious attachment style and my ex partner was avoidant. I am in tune with my emotions, and he was very much not and that's okay. It was just difficult for either of us to receive the support we needed because we didn't know how to do that! I would tell him exactly what I needed and he said he would try every time and never did. We were together 5 years. I put in so much emotional effort because we were in love and, for the most part, had an amazing relationship. Our different attachment styles were the main source of our issues. We became very codependent, and I did everything in my power to try and make it work because I loved him very much and didn't want to lose the great connection we had. I think its possible to be able to heal alongside eachother, but for me personally, if my relationship had continued, I would have never gone through the growth I needed. I had my own shit to heal and he had his and as much as we tried we couldn't meet at a healthy medium. I think it's healthier to heal for yourself rather than for a partner. imo, if they are not willing to put in the work or you are constantly left feeling like you are missing that part and need it to thrive, it may be easier to figure those things out separately. Not saying to breakup!! My experience was surely much different! I just think it's easy for one person to stay because they are hopeful and devoted. I think being vulnerable together is beautiful, and relationships consist of change and growth, and that can be amazing and scary at the same time! Sorry if I was not helpful or didn't understand what you're asking lol. Your post is beautifully written, and I wish you nothing but the best!!

Jun 23, 2025

@Splendid-Visions

@ARIASCALLING thank you for this perspective, I think I just hold so much wishfulness and devotion. It can be hard when you love someone so much and they love you back, I’m glad you chose yourself in the end. I think it’s truly about navigating your gut in these situations, when rupture feels like an invitation into a portal of nuances and perspectives or when it truthfully, somatically feels like you can just no longer go on like this. I’m learning sometimes as an anxious attachment, it’s not either or but perhaps this and that. Until it’s not. but only we can decide what works for however long, and when we are ready to give up the fight for a different more solitude focused growth

Jun 24, 2025

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I feel for you

I healed a lot of attachment issues and it is a lot of work you need to do, coupled with the healing that can only be done through relationship. First and foremost, our attachment issues always start with our parents. Sorry about it. You are going to have to go into the pain of not getting what you needed in childhood. Even the best parents with the best intentions don’t always get it right. Once you not only understand where it comes from, but also free up some of the emotional space it is taking up, you can begin the process of becoming very aware of the thoughts and feelings that come up when you become fearful or avoidant. This is probably the heaviest part of the work. You are going to have to question all of your thoughts and feelings. Having a therapist you are working with can be really helpful in this process because they simply can provide an outside perspective. Let’s say you have a wound from being cheated on in the past, and your partner is not texting you back right away and you start to spiral. first, you need to take some deep breaths and regulate yourself. Then you need to start questioning. Has this person given you a reason to not trust them? do you still have feelings you need to feel regarding the last time you were hurt? What is the fear? Are there actually things you need to discuss with your partner? The more you are able to question, the more discerning you can be on what is your intuition and what is your wounding. A personal story: I still have anxiety that comes up when my husband works late. It is both that I think he is dead, or that he could potentially be cheating on me. I know exactly where those fears come from (thanks dad!), and there is literally no reason to believe that they would be true. I literally imagine those thoughts as a younger version of myself, and I visualize giving that part of me a lot of love. I am regulating myself by imagining me regulating with child me. A big thing for me was going slowly in relationships and really becoming more aware of red flags. You are never going to find a perfect person, but there are things that will be an obvious issue for you. On the other hand, there are issues that can be resolved with communication. Us avoidant types don’t want to be in that process, but that process is important. Unfortunately, the only way that you can learn to be trusting in relationships by practicing being trusting in relationships. TLDR: focus on healing and exploring with yourself first, then slowly work to be in relationship.

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LEAVING UNHEALTHY/MISMATCHED RELATIONSHIPS

Not to add fuel to anyone’s avoidant attachment, cuz human connection can be the most rewarding experience and I have some incredible people in my life, but being in any kind of unhealthy/mismatched relationship is the most exhausting experience. It takes up far more of your mental energy than you even realize, especially if you’re someone who can lean anxiously attached and tries to “repair” these relationships — like me. Sometimes you can work out differences with some honest communication, but sometimes it is far better to de-escalate or end things, recognizing that some people have different values or are in such a different place where a long-term connection just isn’t possible — or at least possible, right now. Be honest with yourself and each other when a relationship feels exhausting — romantic or platonic — and if you’re not certain what you need, take some space to clear your head and find your own inner voice again. It might be trying to tell you something if you take the time to listen.

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