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I recently entered the stage in my relationship where I'm invited to every occasion, and though it always excites me the feeling of anxiety rises up within me like bile.
Yet all the important relatives love me so why do I even worry??
It's ridiculous how at times I feel as if I talk too much or too little automatically makes me an enemy of the state, if their love or approval must be earned, or I must prove my love for my boyfriend through a myriad of obstacles. Its as if anything im enamored with must be proven, and I wish I had that machine in The Stepford Wives so I reach every standard and am perfect in every aspect. Yet I am only human, and humans aren't perfect. Optimism is definitely something that can be worked on in my case.
I know I overthink and get anxious over the simplest glance or gesture, but sometimes I fear the worst on the drive to events and squeeze my hands so hard my nails are surely going to pop off. Yet every single time, I am welcomed with open arms.
I'm super excited tomorrow, I get to see one of the sweetest grandfathers I've ever met, listen to stories, and catch up on gossip. Its always pleasant to spend holidays with those who give love back, and I know I'm in for it tomorrow. I'll watch fireworks with some of my favorite people as my fears and anxiety dim, because they really are just fears and nightmare fuel that makes me so pessimistic.
4d ago
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What makes me so anxious?
Perhaps it is the fear of loss of control. But, either something is in my hands, and I can do something about it, or it isn't and I can't do anything about it. Maybe writing this down will help? Entry #1
What makes me so anxious?Perhaps it is the fear of loss of control. But, either something is in my hands, and I can do something about it, or it isn't and I can't do anything about it. Maybe writing this down will help?
I feel unease because I fear having to spend time away from her. Maybe they will compell me to shift cities in order to work - and here I was, trying to build something with her. Distance hurts and it sucks to stay apart.
However, it's not like I have no options. May not be comfortable options - but I do have options. So maybe I should not fret so much.
Jan 2, 2025
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fear being a result of an overflowing of your love for your family is such a beautiful way of looking at things, I truly love that <3
for me it’s probably anxiety, if I’m being honest. I’m generally anxious about something, though I’ve made a lot of progress with my anxiety in therapy, so whenever anxiety is not in charge of my brain it ’s probably joy! I really make an effort to find joy in little things, it keeps me sane, esp these days
Mar 24, 2025
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gonna be extra real on here ! i have severe, debilitating emetophobia. like the kind that renders you agoraphobic. I've been an emetophobe since i was little but it's never been this bad before. i have panic attacks daily, I'm constantly exhausted and eating, sleeping, and going outside is becoming harder and harder as the days pass me by. do not be alarmed though, I'm in therapy and I'm on luvox although i wouldn't say the latter is working much.
i went to knotts berry farm yesterday ! it was supposed to be a milestone in exposure, a really good one since lots of people filter in and out of the park every day. i ended up going on two rides, eating one churro, washing my hands thrice and kind of just calling it a day. plus it was super cold so it was just all just kind of a bummer. i decided to end the day on a good note and snag some peanuts merch (as u can see from my pfp, i am a HUGE woodstock fan), so i bought a Woodstock figurine and small plushie. best part of my day honestly, I'm glad i did that for myself.
it is now the morning after and I'm sitting here just really nervous and panicky because I can't stop thinking about the possible illnesses i could have picked up at the park. i know I'll be ok no matter what ends up happening, and i have plans with my friend in about an hour so i'm still challenging myself and my instincts to hide. i just wanted to put it out into the world. emetophobia is shackling and limiting for a lot of people, and i also want people to know that they CAN do difficult things in the midst of it. my phobia and ocd has held me back in many situations but i don't want it to keep me from doing what i love. even though that knotts trip kind of sucked, the world didn't end and a day later i'm sitting here next to my super cute woodstock plushie. also that churro i got at the park was the best churro I've ever had !!! if u ever go to knotts u NEED to get a fresh churro they're so freaking good. you can do hard things. even if it sucks, that one experience doesn't have to control you. these are basically self-affirmations lmao. gonna go get brunch now with my friend bye bye !
Mar 27, 2025
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I think that their story is overshadowed by other greek love (if you can even call some that) stories like Orpheus and Eurydice, Hades and Persephone, and Aphrodite and Adonis. I analyzed this piece for my art class in the first semester of junior year and am still working on it for a study; it's cool actually how something that takes seconds to admire can take hours to gain insight. Greek myths I think prove that there's a bit of human in everyone; forgiveness and redemption, power and betrayal, love and hate.
1d ago
I cried like a baby the other day, and honestly I'm glad I did.
In my core class I was doing some research on my EE topic, mainly focusing on Marina Abramović since I'm obsessed with her work so obviously my essay is revolved around her.
Anyways,
Amidst my research I took in time to view a fuller extent of The Artist is Present'. I knew it was an all day things, how people lined up to view it and even how celebrities such as Alan Rickman and Bjork sat with Abramović. The main thing about this was to have a conversation without words and instead utilize eyes, expressions, and sighs.
I know there are photos and videos of people crying and such when meeting Abramović, but she wouldn't have any extreme reactions other then smiling or sometimes shedding a single tear. Moreover, she would not move her arms nor extend them to the person sitting across from her.
Ulay was a German performance artist who had a relationship with Abramović with twelve years and after mutually agreeing to separating, they decided to meet each other at the great wall of China. The two started at opposite ends and met at the middle which took three months, they hugged, and this act was called 'Lovers'.
I love artist lore especially when it's about two people who have history together in the same profession.
Anywho so one day while Abramović is seated with eyes shut, a guy takes a seat on front of her and when they lock eyes the two immediately becone teary eyed.
Because it's Ulay and their first time seeing each other in years.
They cry, laugh, smile, and for the first time extends her arms to hold Ulay's hands, to which he takes.
So yeah, seeing it made me bawl and it's overall such a powerful clip. I think everyone should watch it.
I think too that it encapsulates that despite growing far from a previous loved one, the emotions are still kept in tact waiting for a chance to sprout again.
Feb 20, 2025
I think that one of the telltale signs of summer being bestowed upon us is the sound of the ice cream truck. Personally I find strawberry shortcake to be my favorite, followed by the Powerpuff girls one <3
Jun 2, 2025