It’s been 3-4years since I last saw my grandma…
I sat and listened to her tell me stories about our family that I had no idea about…
I noticed the way she would speak about certain things and got to learn her point of view on various topics of life...
realizing I get a lot from her.
I started seeing myself in her, not only in the way she viewed the world but
her face began to look a lot like mine.
An older version of myself.
I wonder if I’ll be just like her when I’m older…
I wonder if that was a glimpse into my future…
My grandmother got dementia this past year and for months I was scared to go up to visit her because she felt distant, and I didn't really know how to talk to someone with dementia.
Eventually I got over myself and started visiting her a couple times a week. Often she wouldn't know who I was, but her face always lit up whenever she saw me that it didn't matter in the end.
One day, I was helping her walk to her room to lay down, when she looked at me with such alertness in her eyes and started asking me all about how my job was doing, stories she remembers about me, and telling me how she feels in her day to day. We talked for almost an hour like this before she lapsed back into a more confused state.
Looking back, I realized that must have been the most I talked to her in one sitting and although that filled me with a lot of regret and guilt, I am so grateful I got the chance to connect with her before it was too late.
She's in a nursing home now, and doesn't recognize me anymore, and that's okay.
They’re in their 80s and they’ve been together since they were 15 and 16.
My grandmother described running into my grandfathers arms at the train station, when he’d have weekends off in the raf, as heavenly and I have to deal with men in their 20s who still use Snapchat and repost tiktoks about “fine shyt” and “bops”.
There is no quality of life in yearning for a time you didn’t exist in but where do we draw the line.