I feel so SHIT rn bc i wanna be appreciated and seen for all the things im doing well at and then it feels like the only time ppl notice me is when they notice a FLAW or my potential by pointing out a GOAL I COULD REACH that I haven’t succeeded at yet. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I WANNA BE APPRECIATED! I AM TRYING SO FUCKING HARD
I wanna be appreciated. I feel criticized and unseen. Why do I push away appreciation when I get it. I feel i dont deserve it. Or its not enough. I feel unworthy. Uhfhfjsjdjdj. Why did i have to make that mistake? Why do people have to see my flaws??? Why cant I just shine? I feel i have to manage other people’s feelings. Its not safe to shine bc always someone will get mad. And i feel i have ro prove my worthiness to shine and take up space. I am really upset and I am tired of feeling like a bad person if I choose to go my own way and not listen to others people’s stuff. Its not my stuff. But then i feel ashamed if I don’t take it.
The first one that came to mind: Growing up, I never really got any props or gold stars for the stuff I did. You know that whole "I'm proud of you" thing? Yeah, never heard it. And now it's like I've got this annoying voice in my head always whispering "you're not good enough." I mean, I've got a decent job, make good money, but there's always this feeling like I don't deserve any of it. Like I'm some kind of impostor and any day now everyone's gonna figure out there are way better people who could do my job. It's exhausting, honestly. And don't even get me started on compliments. When someone says something nice, I just freeze up. No clue how to react. It's like my brain short-circuits or something.
The deeper into my own art and true essence i get, the stickier the grief moves. Godddddddd RELEASEEEEE MEEEEEE. Choosing myself will pay off soon. I just have to swim through a lot of bullshit.