😳✋🏻hear me out🤚🏻😳 sometimes our dreams are no longer a source of motivation or inspiration and sometimes we cling so hard to them that we cause ourselves a lot of mental anguish and disappointment. We attach our identity to things like getting our dream job and when we don’t get the job our sense of self collapses.
Lately I‘ve been thinking a lot about the Jenny Holzer phrase, “Protect me from what I want,” and how it can be so freeing to let desire drop away to remember the things you already have. Such as innate worthiness as a human being regardless of the dream you couldn’t obtain 🫶🏻
so much of me has been spent going against my own nature. i’ve found myself in situations where, the moment (in theory controlled, sublime) feels awfully empty. and that’s the part no one prepares you for… when everything is designed perfectly, but it’s still not quite right. there’s a kind of mourning that comes with leaving this and not just for the people or the place, but for the version of yourself that tried (and very hard!) to make it work. but there’s also a freedom in it. in choosing the scary, the dissonant. in finally understanding that peace isn’t always found in the perfect moments but in the most honest ones maybe it is as simple as that-
if you’re not having fun, just leave!
sometimes an impending sense of doom fills my core when i get yelled at by customers at work. not because their unplaced anger hurts my feelings, but because of the absurdity of the job i’m currently doing. like if i stopped trying, i could just get stuck doing this for the rest of my life. i know i won't do that, but it's still a very jarring notion and it forces me to remind myself that though this job is necessary right now, it’s ultimately temporary. i'm working hard to make my dreams come true and this is just a step in that journey. almost nothing is permanent. this too shall pass :)
“It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it.”
― Oscar Wilde (and my library's wall)also i literally dont what it even measn)
'my life is a series of ritualsitic humiliations the likes of which would destroy anyone with a weaker constitution, but i beat on'
- rayne fisher quann (this is also my life motto)
'in a dream you saw a way to survive and you were full of joy
-jenny holzer
good luck diva!
