(Note: this isn't a replacement for addressing bad behavior, leaving toxic situations, etc.)
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I had two roommates and one of them was often a real jerk. He was a bit older and he'd lecture us other two about our lives and on a range of issues.
Over time, I'd find that the other roommate and I would trash talk the jerk when he wasn't around.
One time the two of us were sitting in a diner late at night, complaining about the other guy, and we just decided for some reason to change the script. "Let's say what we appreciate about him."
So we did. It was difficult at first, but going back and forth we were able to identify a bunch of stuff that we liked about him. "His beard is great." "He likes good books." "He wants to see people thrive."
Then we headed back to our apartment and to our surprise we were actually looking forward to seeing him. And he seemed like he was looking forward to seeing us.
Things got easier after that. I realized that my expectations and posture toward him was part of the issueāI was getting the negativity that I was saying I was expecting. And so altering my words was a really good step toward fixing my lens and adjusting my heart.
Nov 14, 2024
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Found notes on a teaching by Dave Lomas, a teaching pastor in San Francisco. Pushing religious beliefs aside, he had a super practical moment where he taught on community (and friendships / relationships) and said you have to ask yourself a few questions when beginning friendships / relationships. This might not work for everyone but it has helped me greatly so I figured I'd share.
āAre my expectations _________?ā
(1) CONSCIOUS - You need to become aware of your expectations for community. Sit by yourself and ask, āWhat am I expecting from this group/friendship/relationship?ā - Do you have a conscious awareness of what you are actually seeking out? You need specifics / details.
(2) REALISTIC - Are your expectations realistic? Truthfully, are they? Am I asking for things that the people around me can actually do? - Don't ask for things that you would not be able to realistically make happen for them, example: 'I need them to check in on me every single day'
(3) SPOKEN - Have you clearly and directly spoken these expectations to that person? You cannot keep things in your mind only and then be disappointed when people around you never seem to keep fulfill expectations (they cannot read your mind!!!)
(4) AGREED UPON - People have to agree to these. You cannot make people do things they do not want to do (or cannot do). They must agree to the things you have spoken out loud. You cannot be upset if they are unable to hit all your needs / wants.
A lot of issues can be fixed using this. Some of us arenāt aware of what we want, and we are surprised when weāre hurt. Some of are are holding unrealistic expectations! Some of us havenāt spoken our expectations, and are hurt when they arenāt keptā¦And some of are are unfairly holding people to things that they never agreed to! - Revisit these categories often + hold yourself to the same system."
AGAIN PLEASE LOOK AWAY FROM ANY RELIGIOUS IDEAS AS HE DID NOT INCLUDE ANY HERE, THIS FELT MORE LIKE A PEP TALK. HEARD THIS YEARS AGO AND STILL HELPS ME TODAY.
Apr 28, 2024
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This is what came to mind first:
When you get into conflict with your partner, it is okay to step away to regulate yourself, collect your thoughts, etc. It is not okay to leave the conversation entirely and then never circle back to it to finish.
In previous relationships of mine, it felt like we always were in ongoing conflict. We never actually came to a close of any one conflict, it was just that one or both of us was too tired so we left it and just moved on.
I had a therapist that really drilled into me that arguably one of the most important parts of conflict is the coming together afterwards. Even if you have to get to a space of agree to disagree, making an effort to reconnect in your love for another actually closes the argument and maintains the relationship.
This can also help with the piling on of past conflicts that can happen. ā well, you also did this and you always do this.!ā if you actually had closed that conflict previously, you wouldnāt need to bring it up to get validation for it. That was another rule that I was taught: when you bring something up, be specific and stay in the present moment. That doesnāt mean you canāt bring up a pattern, but you have to be able to tie that back to a specific action of some kind. Even if you allude to it being a pattern, bring it back to talking about the specific example that you brought up. It just makes things a lot easier, and also helps from making any assaults on somebodyās character.
Jan 17, 2025
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- be a good communicator. if you have a problem or are unclear on something or need to make something clear one cannot expect anyone to have the same norms. talk and be on the same page and establish that dynamic for the inevitable times it needs to happen
- figure out respective grocery + dishes + cookware + general belongings ecosystem. some houses can just be communal some have to be separate. depends on who yall are. gotta know which and gotta respect it
- just clean everything you were using in a public space if you donāt intend to keep using it
i feel like when i had roommates our biggest issues were not figuring these things out. but just talking about everything is the biggest one that way if someone is disappointed or angry about something itās either based in reality or itās not
May 22, 2024
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this is worthy of celebration:Ā the lack of videoāautoplay video, noisy inane video, panicky video, algorithmic, dumb video, rabbit hole video, any videoāon pi.fyi is a good thing
Oct 5, 2024
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this is going to hurt āĀ A LOT āĀ but it's getting to the point where there's no other option
Mar 11, 2025