This is what came to mind first:
When you get into conflict with your partner, it is okay to step away to regulate yourself, collect your thoughts, etc. It is not okay to leave the conversation entirely and then never circle back to it to finish.
In previous relationships of mine, it felt like we always were in ongoing conflict. We never actually came to a close of any one conflict, it was just that one or both of us was too tired so we left it and just moved on.
I had a therapist that really drilled into me that arguably one of the most important parts of conflict is the coming together afterwards. Even if you have to get to a space of agree to disagree, making an effort to reconnect in your love for another actually closes the argument and maintains the relationship.
This can also help with the piling on of past conflicts that can happen. “ well, you also did this and you always do this.!” if you actually had closed that conflict previously, you wouldn’t need to bring it up to get validation for it. That was another rule that I was taught: when you bring something up, be specific and stay in the present moment. That doesn’t mean you can’t bring up a pattern, but you have to be able to tie that back to a specific action of some kind. Even if you allude to it being a pattern, bring it back to talking about the specific example that you brought up. It just makes things a lot easier, and also helps from making any assaults on somebody’s character.
Jan 17, 2025
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Yes to all of this! Still learning yes… forgive me for plugging my Substack but wrote about the importance of conflict just recently! https://open.substack.com/pub/youareinlove/p/getting-away-with-it?r=e8v&utm_medium=ios
Jan 22, 2025
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i wish people were better at this. big sign of emotional maturity i think is when people are actually capable of this. things happen and if you can’t talk them through what are you meant to do? just let it stew so it gets worse? let it destroy a relationship for no reason? fuck all that. have the conversations so you can reach an understanding. we can’t read eachothers minds man
Jun 10, 2024
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(Note: this isn't a replacement for addressing bad behavior, leaving toxic situations, etc.)
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I had two roommates and one of them was often a real jerk. He was a bit older and he'd lecture us other two about our lives and on a range of issues.
Over time, I'd find that the other roommate and I would trash talk the jerk when he wasn't around.
One time the two of us were sitting in a diner late at night, complaining about the other guy, and we just decided for some reason to change the script. "Let's say what we appreciate about him."
So we did. It was difficult at first, but going back and forth we were able to identify a bunch of stuff that we liked about him. "His beard is great." "He likes good books." "He wants to see people thrive."
Then we headed back to our apartment and to our surprise we were actually looking forward to seeing him. And he seemed like he was looking forward to seeing us.
Things got easier after that. I realized that my expectations and posture toward him was part of the issue—I was getting the negativity that I was saying I was expecting. And so altering my words was a really good step toward fixing my lens and adjusting my heart.
Nov 14, 2024
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If it’s just a little thing one time let it go but if there’s a recurring issue bring it up directly and respectfully. Don’t let things simmer
May 20, 2024
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