🪞
I worked at 8 this morning but it was a really nice shift. My manager and I worked it together and had a lovely time. He’s someone I can talk to in a real way without judgement, and it’s nice to be able to call him my friend. Other friends came in throughout the shift and made it feel warm and sweet. I love the community I have found myself apart of.
After work I went straight to therapy. starting therapy has by far been one of the best things that I have done for myself in the last year. She really understands me and lets me know when I’m in the wrong or doing something not in my interest, which is extremely valuable to me.
After that I came home and caught up with roommates and did some laundry before having kind of a difficult conversation with a friend. Trying to navigate having mutual feelings for someone who isn’t in the same place vulnerability-wise as you is really hard and sad. Talking about it helps and is the only way out of/through that difficulty. friendship is the answer for now.
I ordered dinner to my door bc I deserve it and am now winding down for the night, anticipating some heavy slumber.
Feb 4, 2025
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I spent a lot of time this past year contemplating moving out from my apartment that I share with my best friend. We have lived with each other since 2018, and have seen each other in every high and low and stuck together like glue regardless. However, over the past two years, we began to bicker a lot, stopped spending time with each other, and it just felt like there was too much resentment built up between us to continue living in the same space together. Long story short, we both ended up going through a lot of life changes and events in the last year. This all ended up putting things into perspective for the two of us.
One day, after a particularly tough series of unfortunate events in both of our personal lives, we sat down in the living room and finally opened up about all of the things that had been causing tension in our friendship. Both of us were crying the whole time, because it really sucks having to talk about each other's bad choices and shortfalls, but it was a necessary pain in the end. We both came out of the conversation feeling like a load had been taken off our shoulders. Everything that needed to be said had been put out in the open. We both went on through the following months doing our best to work on what we needed to, so that we could continue coexisting in the same space. With time, the resentment we held against the other faded, and we slowly became friends again. Putting in the work was well worth it.
Communication is incredibly important in every aspect of your life. It needs to be prioritized, regardless of how scary it is. We are all human, and all of us fall short. If you never bring up your concerns, you can't expect a person to ever change their behavior.
Feb 17, 2025
📩
as i’m moving through life and moving through different relationships i’ve realised that i really just crave meaningful connection. no matter under what label or circumstance i meet someone, i want to feel like i matter.
i feel, sometimes, so hopeless in this goal of making meaningful connections bc so many people that ive been friends with have turned out to be worse people than i thought them to be. whether its them changing into someone i don’t recognise, or showing true colours when we discuss values, i just am at a point where i really struggle to form relationships.
but theres a few people in my life who i just have to think about and immediately my mind lights up!
i find that i can have a bit of an all or nothing attitude. that is, i had a shit day therefore i’ve always had shit days and will forever have shit days, or like now, i struggle making meaningful connections therefore none of my connections have been, are, or will ever be meaningful
maybe it’s just past 9pm and i should go sleep…
Apr 18, 2024
🌃
i don’t really miss the last relationship i was in, despite the fact that it was 4 years long and there was an easy, comfortable companionship between us - one of the main reasons we stayed together long past what probably should have been our expiration date. what i’ve realized i do miss, though, is someone to regulate and balance myself against.
i’ve always had issues getting myself to sleep at a decent hour, issues with focus, time management, executive function, and all the rest of the laundry list that comes with high functioning ADHD. with a mostly-patient “neurotypical” partner, though, i found myself able to mirror some of their habits, their rhythms. and i basically always had an on-call body double, someone with whom i could share productive silence - nothing better than someone who doesn’t feel the need to constantly be chatting, who might every now and then quietly look over and give me a gentle /whack/ when i’ve strayed from my task.
when we were together, a normal sleep schedule became attainable; in the months before we broke up, there were plenty of nights a week that i would get my 8 hours. now, getting any more than 6 on a worknight? feels like a chore that i’m constantly failing to get to. but for a while, climbing into bed early with another person to do the mini crossword and then lazily drift out was just one last hit of dopamine to close the day. and then waking up in their arms, the first hit of the day. something to constantly look forward to.
i don’t necessarily miss the relationship, but i’m looking forward to finding someone who can be that for me again
Jan 31, 2024
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