My weed intake really picked up for a while after the start of the pandemic, especially as it became legalized where I live soon after. I was definitely using it as a way of coping with stress, anxiety, and depression ā and I was using alcohol in this way too. It was a way to feel silly or loose when I wasnāt otherwise feeling that way.
Last year, I cut my alcohol consumption to near zero (Iāve had a handful of drinks in the past year) and weed use has slowly followed. I didnāt like that my weed consumption got me into vaping š¤, the expense it added to my budget and, even moving fully to edibles, it triggers some stuff with my eating disorder. I still take a gummy from time to time, but I try to be really conscious of my usage.
Instead, Iāve meditated more and tried to go on walks/runs as a way of de-stressing rather than just masking the stress with intoxicants.
Apr 16, 2025
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Me and miss mary jane go way back, a solid decade atp, and itās crazy to think how different my relationship with her is now. I actually just got a memory notification from the time I was pretty physically dependent on her. I for sure used weed as a crutch through some really tough periods of grief and trauma in my late teens and early twenties.
I didnāt plan it this way, but when I quit nicotine last year I also kinda quit weed. I refused to let dependency form again when quitting nicotine as I had previously struggled to fall asleep without weed. So when I cut nic, I cut all inhalants. And havenāt really picked them back up again with the exception of a literal handful of joint hits in the last 10 months.
Another big part of that for me was how well I could breathe again. I don't think I was nearly both as active and at rest as I am now that I donāt really partake as much anymore. I recently took an edible with a friend and just felt anxious. Safe to say I think that chapter of my life is closing, not that it was a bad chapter, just a different one. Iāve replaced my old habits with new ones, Iāve been quad skating a lot more, creating more, reading more. Things I never felt motivated to do when I was high all the time. Things that do take the edge off of life and stress in a new way that feels more gratifying for me than weed ever did.
Apr 17, 2025
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I started smoking weed as a young high schooler who had been craving drugs most of my youth, out of curiosity, wanting to fit in, wanting to quiet voices, and when it did all the things i wanted it to do i leaned on it for years. Clung to it. But, after going cold turkey on my antidepressants due to being sick of them, weed was my friend. She helped me calm, regulate, laugh, she reminded me to eat, and best of all share with people i loved. I donāt need anything to do that anymore (Shout out frontal lobe development) and due to being broke in college, i smoke significantly less, and now only when i want to, not because i need to. which is nice! addiction sucks bawwwllsss and my sprint away from who i used to be with substances has slowed into a nice jog.
Feb 18, 2025
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I smoked for the first time when I was 15, and was smoking pretty much daily by the time I was 16. While I do give it some credit for helping me get out of my abusive relationship at the time (It made me realize that I actually wanted to have fun and live my life), It was very much a substitute for any actual proccessing, healing, or coping. It gave me a false sense of inner peace. It gave me a false sense of outer peace as well, because I was so avoidant of any kind of conflict.
I quit because Iād experienced trauma and it began to put me into really scary experiences where I wasnāt quite sure if I was losing my mind or not. I quit when I also quit drinking, which was almost 13 years ago now.
Weed is the only substance I ever miss. Sometimes I wish I could just dabble a little bit and throw on some Planet Earth, but it is always so apparent that when I am craving it I am also very stressed out. If engaging with all of my other healthy coping skills works, then I didnāt actually need it in the first place.
I sometimes wonder if when Iām old, Iāll fuck around with it again because at that point, why not?
Apr 16, 2025
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Iām not a parent and do not plan to be. Kids can wear me out fast with their high energy and noise level; it leaves me very over-stimulated. But itās pretty extreme when people say they āhate kidsā and I often feel itās a reflection of their childhood and beliefs around how kids āshould be.ā That they were expected to be quiet, obedient, and out of the way by their parents when they were little.
Itās fucking hard to be a kid. Youāre dealing with a rapidly-changing body and underdeveloped brain, managed by flawed adults who are enforcing boundaries that you do not understand. Itās confusing and hard to manage your feelings and honestly just a lot.
People are impatient with kids when theyāre brand new to the world and figuring it all out, and this is a time kids need a friend the most. Children can also be teachers to adults with how they are less habituated to the world. They teach us how to be free and open-hearted and silly and imaginative.
A good practice is to be kinder and gentler with kids. If that feels difficult, start with gentleness toward your inner child. Maybe thatās the child in your life that needs your attention and kindness most.
Apr 16, 2025
I meant to post this yesterday. Absolutely beautiful morning for walk.
This morning is also beautiful but in a spring rain kind of way.
Mar 23, 2025
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Prescriptive gender is a prison. Rather than gender being a form of self-expression, gender is treated as a pass/fail test for how well you can conform to cultural expectations.
Since I was young, I remember feeling a great deal of pressure to conform to these expectations around what āmenā are meant to be. You like sports, cars, womanizing, aggression, and not having feelings. I felt so distant from this ideal. I was sensitive and shy, and I preferred spending my time being creative in some way
For a long time, I felt like I was failing at ābeing a man.ā In many ways I was! Because I didnāt need toĀ bea man. All I needed to be was myself.
Itās taken me a long time to separate myself from prescriptive gender, sharpening in on which aspects of masculine energy I identify with and which I donāt. Iām not done yet. Maybe I will never fully be. The self continues to evolve over time, and I suspect aspects of my gender will too.
Mar 15, 2025