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I don't have many friends from severe CTPSD and probably a hint of autism. At least I had an ex yell at me that I'm not normal, while I was standing on a sidewalk and holding a baby.
He kept bringing up issues and problems, while I brought up practical solutions. He did not like that.
I had another ex who very sweetly interpreted body language for me in real time. But then he wanted me to speak/respond in certain ways he'd watched on TV. I read books more than I watched shows growing up.
I'm sorry I'm not normal. I'm sorry I'm not programmed in the same language.
I often felt people were speaking a foreign tongues, despite us all using English. The hidden/true meanings of what they said seemed like common knowledge to them, while I took it at face value, or struggled to translate what they were really telling me.
Lately I'm running on vibes and actions. Words are whatever.
13h ago
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For whatever reasons the various psychiatrists that have treated me will give, I was a reclusive child, especially when it came to my emotions. I kept parts of myself hidden from certain people, always a different kid to everyone I met. I kept this up through my adulthood and now I'm realizing how much it's barring me from experiencing my relationships deeply. I protect parts of myself, uncomfortable with their coming out in situations I'd typically hide them in. I am too good at code switching and it gets confusing figuring out when I am being truly myself around friends and family. I am trying to learn where I can crack little holes into the walls I have carved around the many parts of myself; learn to make them all coexist a bit better so I can let myself be loved wholly, not only in parts.
Oct 16, 2024
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i was actually just having this convo with someone! i find that people who do have a monologue like me find it hard to believe people donāt. iāve heard you guys think in feelings and connections like a flow chart but like how do you do that without words lol. for me the voice doesnāt belong to anyone! itās not mine, itās not gendered, itās not identifiedā¦itās just a voice. i also find people without an internal monologue seem to think we have a narrator dictating our every action but it a bit more abstract than that.
my brain is never quiet as thereās always a voice processing my emotions, reactions and perceptions at all times. but the processing isnāt complete thoughts with proper punctuation, just a constant barrage of information, working in tandem with images and feelings. its likely why iām prone to over thinking and snowballing (when i was on SSRIs briefly, it all definitely got more quiet up here).
also, iāve noticed a lot of people who donāt have a monologue also canāt do the classic āpicture the appleā test but is that the case? if you can picture the apple do you think pictorially? i just couldnāt imagine not having my consciousness mutter in the back of my head constantly.
Sep 30, 2024
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I knew other people felt this way (now, after finding out why I did) but I've never seen it described so accurately! I'm not saying we are 100% going through the same thing, but I'd give it a 90% chance here based on how much this describes me.
for me, it turned out that I had c-ptsd from chronic overstimulation and emotional/medical neglect as a kid - just enough to go under everyone's radar. I am autistic, but my parents were in denial, nobody really "knew" or confirmed it because I was forced and eventually became able to "act normal" despite still being a big bullying target and a little weirdo in private. but beyond the social aspects, these symptoms you've described and what I've felt turned out to be a reaction to something I've forgotten long ago. I was physically looking fine, emotionally seeming okay on the outside (because I shut down outwardly rather than melt down), but I went through repetitive unaccomidated experiences that hurt me in the long run. but I didn't have a big traumatic event I could point to. the physical medical neglect I experienced later was unrelated and more nuanced. and I was surprised when I was working with my therapist and my biggest issues were not single events - but tiny little things that built up over time, every day.
the onlyĀ thing that's helped me actually stop them has been EMDR - but it is a strooong trauma therapy. it's not scary - people without c-ptsd do pretty hardcore processing routinely that's just like it during REM sleep, it's part of dreaming - but I really could only do three sessions before I needed to stop and process how I feel about my life now. but I can walk into school's now without any of the same physical or emotional issues I was having! but before it always felt both nostalgic and bad, like at best exposing myself in a controlled setting.
I'm not trying to say you're autistic or have c-ptsd, but that's what it ended up being for me. C-ptsd gives you triggers that make you feel like you have the trauma event of PTSD, but unspeakably so. the best comparison I can make is PTSD is a broken leg you can put in a cast and mostly heal up, while C-PTSD is getting a hammer to your leg every day until it eventually cracks, but you don't even notice it anymore. all you know is that hammers make you feel sick and you're protective of your leg now. triggers feel more abstract and unable to pinpoint. I didn't realize why my triggers were so intense before memories resurfaced about them after EMDR.
so if it's intense, I wouldn't nessecarily say you NEED EMDR now, but talking with a trauma therapist isn't such a bad idea. I do believe c-ptsd is underdiagnosed, but also understudied and poorly understood. so I think it's worth asking yourself how intense it is, and a lot of people don't know they deal with it. but you're not alone! I deal with it tooĀ
Apr 6, 2025
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I'd like a stronger affirmative/feedback that I liked a post.
Somehow I click it like 5x liking and unliking it and unsure if it went through. I think the stars change color now from white to yellow.
Mar 31, 2025
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When I feel scared or anxious, wow... Breathing.
Sleeping is a solid second place.
19h ago
Apr 9, 2025