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getting comfy w indetermination

working from what may seem like very surface level cliches but stay w me here ((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.)) putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum. sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary. im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done. whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you. this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense?? i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year over…nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still weren’t talking regularly or anything though. 2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20’s a big one. this year, we’ve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and she’s been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen?? time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and it’s never over if it’s truly meant to happen. let life change. i think.

@slut

Dec 5, 2024

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Taking stock, planning, engaging my heart

I am right in the middle of a very big transitional period in my life. I've got 22 days left of my corporate job. In 30 days I will be arriving in Lisbon for a one month stay where I will finish my book, work on a collaborative project, go to the beach, meet new people, find new opportunities and heal (literally, I am 99% sure I am about to medically diagnosed with stress). This starts a journey of Becoming A Full Time Artist that is terrifying and precarious. I am about to move back home but I'm not seeing it as a step backwards even though I will miss sin house very much. I've been dating for the first time in years after two back-to-back ill-advised long distance situationships lol. I feel more connected to who I am and what I want now. I like connecting with new people and learning about them. I like that people want to go on dates with me. I've been making an extra effort to see my friends. I've missed them so much. Being with them makes me realise what life is all about. I've been writing songs and recording old ones. I'm playing my first headline show in a really long time tomorrow. I've been reframing how I think of my music career to find validation in small successes and in developing my craft - rather than acquainting the number of plays I get to my worth. This is not easy and yet I persist. I've been feeling better post-heartbreak. I've also been finding out I have to go for an MRI and a tilt table test to confirm once and for all my heart is okay. My heart has taken a battering in every possible way but it finally feels like I can see some light. I was told to avoid all strenuous activity and heavy lifting eight months ago but the other week I finally got the go ahead from the hospital that it's safe for me to do it again. I have been able to move again and I've started playing badminton and I really love it. I even did a little run on the treadmill last week whilst screaming along to Brat!! It felt euphoric and I can feel my body getting stronger. Life is good/messy/chaotic/scary/exciting/still somehow peaceful

@caskeyc

Aug 14, 2024

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sunday (a bit about me)

first blog post. not sure how this whole shablam works, but thought I'd give it a go. have the urge to write bs about my life for anyone who's listening. feel like I'm talking to myself, but I like doing that so I'm happy with whatever. sunday starting the day off right -- a can of chickpeas (with lime juice, garlic, and olive oil), a mandarin, and a coffee. thinking about what I want to accomplish. got a fuck tonne of schoolwork to do (it's really not that much, but it is when I spend the entire school day fucking around and wishing I was getting stuff done) might try finish some of it. got the day off work today, but clocked in for a dream shift last night so feel like I've worked overtime. to do list - breakfast, but you already know about that. trust me, don't knock on the chickpeas 'till you've tried them, they changed my life. - finish stats assesement, who gives a FUCK about fat content in bread? - maybe start my english work. should have started two weeks ago. - start something crafty ----- I yearn to craft, but have crafters block or whatever. that's why I started a blog, I love to write. I tried writing fanfic last week, but got an essay of a hate comment that hurt my feelings. god forbid a girl try something new. - walk my dog on the beach. this used to be a mindfulness activity for me, but I've been corrupted by podcasts and audiobooks. now I don't know how to be alone with my thoughts anymore. advice? goals and aspirations ☆ BUY A VAN if you know me in person you KNOW I've been annoying as FUCK about this. so basically, I really REALLY want a van. I'm looking for an old toyota hiace that someones put the bare bones of utilities in, so I could theoretically live out of it. nothing fancy, because who would I be without a project? ☆ CRAFT another reason why I want a van -- I need something to craft for. I know how to crochet, but have nothing TO crochet. a van would give me a vessel in which to dedicate my crafts. want something to crochet? blanket for my van! sewing project? curtains for my van! cushions! a duvet! want to try your hand in some painting? good, because the inside is probably in desperate need of a revamp. ☆QUIT MY JOB I'd written something really funny and cynical about my job here and why I want to quit, but my mum saw it & said that it was a 'sackable offense'. that'd save me the hassle of having to put in my two weeks, but I've got a reputation to uphold. also a van to pay for. guess the world just isn't ready for my comedic genius and sardonic honesty. my 2025 resolution make bad art. read long books. for TOO LONG I have been afraid to do things that I'm bad at. I'm not sure what I enjoy doing or what I'm just good at doing. but this year that changes. I'm gonna make BAD art. I'm gonna write a blog, and it'll probably be shit. make the art exist and worry if it's good later. I'm going to READ that long book. I've been feeling like time is moving faster than I can run, and that I'm running out of it. I've been far too hesistant to do things slowly. but the time will pass anyway, so I'm going to stop being too afraid to use it. SHIT POST OVER, that's a bit about me. ft pictures of breakfast today, I reckon I'd survive the apocolypse. thanks for reading if you've made it this far :kisskiss:

@ocelotsontoast

May 25, 2025

Top Recs from @sebbspirit

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wikipedia.org

i like gaining knowledge and checking their sources. on occasion i edit articles on wikipedia. right now, i’m obsessed with studying math on it. i usually always land on the page about quaternions. def don’t use wikipedia as your source of knowledge though, make sure to check citations and read yourself!!!

@sebbspirit

Jan 14, 2025

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keepsake mortality

-there was a recent time where i met someone, someone very sweet and interesting. we talked and talked, and no matter how much i'd ever see them again, i was okay with myself. to me, they were an anomaly in the people i met, because they were that remarkable to me. i walked away from them fulfilled, as i repeated to myself in my head "even if i don't see them again i'll be okay". -i've always held on to those kinds of experiences, minus the acceptance. that's what's new with this one. -first it was holding on to the memories of people who i couldn't see anymore due to moving, then it was holding on to the things we did. in elementary, the people that befriended me had a binder and we'd draw and play characters all written in that one binder during recess. -one of those friends, kaden, moved away in 6th grade without telling anyone. with how much i've moved state to state, i completely understand why he did that or why he couldn't do anything about it. i've thought about disappearing, without anyone looking or having to worry about me. but, me being the person i am i couldn't forget him. -the last move i have to do is this year. it won't even be out of my control because of it's that of college. my house won't be *my house* and it won't retain the shape it wrapped me around with. -i live in myself and i'm learning to stop disappearing from myself, because in the end that is impossible. -so, when i met this said person recently, i acknowledged that i could miss this person forever, but also the hope to meet people like them that i could keep forever. that there are good people i can be good to so, when i leave, i want to accept that *things can happen again*. don't know if this made much sense

@sebbspirit

Jan 24, 2025

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our faces don’t really look the same - Aware

- happy snowstorm to those experiencing it. over time i’ve been quite used to my environment changing around me. i know with how much control i’ve exhibited that it hasn’t been a case of myself lacking control or my *will* being meaningless, but rather the way i wake up. - in the past few months, i shut myself off in attempts to minimize whatever i was feeling. i’m still guilty of it but, looking at pictures of myself before i turned out this way makes me see that even if i can’t see how my behavior’s changed, i can see the physical. this is a very stupid and literal reference, but “changes” by david bowie goes as such: / Ch-ch-changes, just gonna have to be a different man Time may change me But I can’t trace time / time will change us. no matter what, but our efforts will amount to something if we try imitating its grip! facing it first, (grimly) succumbing to time could be what makes us change. there’s times where my change isn’t my priority. i’m guilty of wondering how other people think of me now, when i will never be able to know such “hows”. i get scared, terrified of how someone else may have changed, and like with how the physical changes are the most obvious, the aspect that sets in the most fear for me is seeing how people physically change. it’s an odd feeling. you meet who you’re going to be in the future, in each fleeting moment, but once that isn’t in your control, and you’re facing what you can’t lie about, you can’t stop how your environment changes. people look different, their perceptions of you change. all you can do is think what you could do differently, or accept everything. accept who you’re going to be and everything you’re not.

@sebbspirit

Jan 19, 2025