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I completely and utterly ruined my sleep schedule rather than fixing it this summer, which unfortunately goes against my goals. However I'm learning that not everything is a dire situation, life and death, and in that I can breathe.
To just be. That I can just exist; I don't have to be a prodigy at a certain something rather learn to sit and take a step back to assess. I had a stressful junior year especially in April, I've dug myself in a pit I've recently gotten out of.
I constantly have to remind myself that I will always have room for growth and an unmet goal doesn't equate to failure. The lenience I give myself after such a long time is thanks to my boyfriend, and I'm happy with everything he's taught me. Its been philosophy, love that is patient and gentle, Marty Robbins, being open about my passion or disdain, support. Some are things I've either hated or disliked yet I find myself smiling and paying attention because I love him dearly, and with that I show support and interests he adores.
I'm seeing him again tomorrow, and I'm super excited. We're going to buy things for an upcoming trip later this month, and its going to be our first time traveling out of the city together and having a roadtrip. He's going to make me partake in playing at a water pit, but I'll oblige because if there's anything I've learned it's that life is too short to not do anything.
He also told me that he's going to get me a sketchbook specifically for outings and dates, which is an idea he brought up at our last outing a couple of days ago. I've never been super proud of my artwork, but with him I want you try, at least see why he loves what I create. He's always super happy when I draw or sketch something for him, so that's something I'll do more often when I can.
That's another thing, I don't feel guilty anymore when he insists on buying and gifting things, taking me places; he spoils and indulges my whims and wants. It's sweet, truly, and I always find myself wondering how I got so lucky.
2d ago
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hello!!!! i want to start making this blog weekly now.
- as some followers may know, i've committed to college at last. it's weird with things coming to an end, but with "ending" being a common theme in this blog/life, i'm actually kind of soft on it.
heres what i've been listening to:
Forever Howlong : Black Country, New Road
Squid (discography)
Total euphoria : caroline
as seen, my music taste has gotten more upbeat as of recent.
Total euphoria by caroline has been cemented as a staple in my go-to songs now, it's like your soul being ripped from your chest from the air and then breathing in. and then out. it's a wonderful experience with its own little production quirks. the prime suspect is its out-of-time instruments, where the guitars are actually playing different tempos. and then on top of all that the drums sort of wash in and out when they want to. then a bass drop? this isn't my folk band!
I highly recommend caroline, especially their debut self-titled album. some favorites off of those include IWR and Engine (eavesdropping). very spiritual and easing music.
aside from that, how have i been? i've been #exploring my wonders and interests. creating a rigid identity is something i've found to be important. who am i between switching personalities for certain people? one of the identifiers has been how i am awkward. many can attest to it, but i don't think it's something i'd just drop immediately for confidence. people find it amusing, i think it's a good source of kindness for myself; there's a way to materialize it into something that doesn't give other people second-hand embarrassment. i might talk too fast or too slow, take a while to respond, make too much or little eye contact,, it's random!!! but that's for the best!! we don't have to be rigid in specificity. it just matters that we see things in ourselves that generally describe who we are.
i've taken many trips, much too many trips to a specific town recently. the record store just calls my name and i always find myself being in the way between record crates while i kneel down looking at jazz cds. i'm getting a lot of cds! i always make sure to treat myself by getting at least one LP. some recent purchases have been:
Promises : Floating Points, Pharaoh Sanders, London Symphony Orchestra
Pink Moon : Nick Drake
Hellfire : black midi
all around wonderful finds. i know its good to buy things outside of my comfort zone... but let me get everything else first! i do my musical experimentation with cds.
some recent CD purchases include....
Sketches of Spain : Miles Davis
Discipline : King Crimson
Speak No Evil : Wayne Shorter
Giant Steps : John Coltrane
it's good to consume, well when you have the money. other times, maybe just imagine you're consuming? paint a picture. you'll usually have a matcha latte (btw new obsession) outside a bakery, on a bench in the rain. do you need the drink to savor the moment? if you're out of money, maybe try sitting in silence like that! a brain-lock into our outside moment might be important.
I think back to a quote from my notes in my notes from sept-oct 2024. i was in a rough patch then, still am, but more then. i hated myself, despised a lot of my own self-being, but one quote made its way out of my fingers:
idk maybe some on-spirit growth can happen
before any professional help, and honest support from those i had, i typed that for myself. i think it is in our innate desire to do better that we achieve our ideal selves. because i'm fulfilling that unsure "maybe", by truuuly taking time for myself.
it's wonderful, and i don't exactly have to love myself. but tolerating who i am and having respect for myself has done wonders . i mapped out who i want to be, and formed a list of things to do before college starts. and it's working so far! so take charge. it takes a long time; i'm only seeing the real vision about 6 months later after saying that, but you will make it, even without that direction.
good night! i hope to continue this weekly and hope you got something out of this post :)
Apr 29, 2025
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working from what may seem like very surface level cliches but stay w me here
((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.))
putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum.
sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary.
im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done.
whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you.
this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense??
i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year over…nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still weren’t talking regularly or anything though.
2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20’s a big one.
this year, we’ve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and she’s been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen??
time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and it’s never over if it’s truly meant to happen.
let life change. i think.
Dec 5, 2024
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I am right in the middle of a very big transitional period in my life. I've got 22 days left of my corporate job. In 30 days I will be arriving in Lisbon for a one month stay where I will finish my book, work on a collaborative project, go to the beach, meet new people, find new opportunities and heal (literally, I am 99% sure I am about to medically diagnosed with stress). This starts a journey of Becoming A Full Time Artist that is terrifying and precarious. I am about to move back home but I'm not seeing it as a step backwards even though I will miss sin house very much.
I've been dating for the first time in years after two back-to-back ill-advised long distance situationships lol. I feel more connected to who I am and what I want now. I like connecting with new people and learning about them. I like that people want to go on dates with me.
I've been making an extra effort to see my friends. I've missed them so much. Being with them makes me realise what life is all about.
I've been writing songs and recording old ones. I'm playing my first headline show in a really long time tomorrow. I've been reframing how I think of my music career to find validation in small successes and in developing my craft - rather than acquainting the number of plays I get to my worth. This is not easy and yet I persist.
I've been feeling better post-heartbreak. I've also been finding out I have to go for an MRI and a tilt table test to confirm once and for all my heart is okay. My heart has taken a battering in every possible way but it finally feels like I can see some light. I was told to avoid all strenuous activity and heavy lifting eight months ago but the other week I finally got the go ahead from the hospital that it's safe for me to do it again. I have been able to move again and I've started playing badminton and I really love it. I even did a little run on the treadmill last week whilst screaming along to Brat!! It felt euphoric and I can feel my body getting stronger.
Life is good/messy/chaotic/scary/exciting/still somehow peaceful
Aug 14, 2024
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I cried like a baby the other day, and honestly I'm glad I did.
In my core class I was doing some research on my EE topic, mainly focusing on Marina Abramović since I'm obsessed with her work so obviously my essay is revolved around her.
Anyways,
Amidst my research I took in time to view a fuller extent of The Artist is Present'. I knew it was an all day things, how people lined up to view it and even how celebrities such as Alan Rickman and Bjork sat with Abramović. The main thing about this was to have a conversation without words and instead utilize eyes, expressions, and sighs.
I know there are photos and videos of people crying and such when meeting Abramović, but she wouldn't have any extreme reactions other then smiling or sometimes shedding a single tear. Moreover, she would not move her arms nor extend them to the person sitting across from her.
Ulay was a German performance artist who had a relationship with Abramović with twelve years and after mutually agreeing to separating, they decided to meet each other at the great wall of China. The two started at opposite ends and met at the middle which took three months, they hugged, and this act was called 'Lovers'.
I love artist lore especially when it's about two people who have history together in the same profession.
Anywho so one day while Abramović is seated with eyes shut, a guy takes a seat on front of her and when they lock eyes the two immediately becone teary eyed.
Because it's Ulay and their first time seeing each other in years.
They cry, laugh, smile, and for the first time extends her arms to hold Ulay's hands, to which he takes.
So yeah, seeing it made me bawl and it's overall such a powerful clip. I think everyone should watch it.
I think too that it encapsulates that despite growing far from a previous loved one, the emotions are still kept in tact waiting for a chance to sprout again.
Feb 20, 2025
I think that one of the telltale signs of summer being bestowed upon us is the sound of the ice cream truck. Personally I find strawberry shortcake to be my favorite, followed by the Powerpuff girls one <3
Jun 2, 2025
I have always adored art ever since I was in preschool. I loved creating characters or even doing my own renditions on characters and movies.
I even took time during lockdown to work on my interest, putting in hours of learning anatomy and structure.
However for a while I've been in a slump of sorts, I've lost creativity and the fuel to continue.
It's been hard, especially since drawing and creating is something I've been putting effort to what seems like eons at this point. I even decided to just quit altogether and pursue something else as a dream career.
There had become a point where my boyfriend gave me a pep talk and to prove his point he had read me a book he wad reading for philosophy called 'The Republic';
"All great things are precarious... Beautiful things really are difficult" and in his own words told me -
"It occurs often throughout the text, anything that is easy will never be beautiful, for if it is easy it won't have the scars and marks of something built through struggle, those scars and marks are the cracks through which beautiful shines most brightly", which I think helped me.
For the past month in my art class I've been researching a style called 'Jugendstil' and got a bit of inspiration again. I want to show off what I made because I'm genuinely happy with my product since a hot minute.
Anyways moral of the story, don't beat yourself up if you don't find something about you or what you make up to your standards, because beautiful things take time.
Feb 27, 2025