🤝
why have friends? because they make life slightly less miserable. they give me something to look forward to everyday. our stupid conservations about whatever bs springs up are so much fun and i enjoy them so much.
lots of my feelings lately have been related to my friends and i’ve unfortunately found myself questioning my status as friends with these people because of how little i talk to them. i see them at most twice a day and talk to them at most twice a day. i also barely talk to them outside of school.
how about instead of sitting here and panicking about not having any friends, let’s look at my friendships with the four people i call friends
let’s start with my best friend (she/they). i’ve known her since first grade when we met at summer camp. her and i have been best friends ever since. we used to be inseparable. recently tho, really throughout our high school careers, i feel like our friendship has kinda diminished. her and i really are just goofy together, we aren’t serious. (they legitimately told me how they don’t trust me with stuff that’s really dark and deep). which, as much as it hurts that she doesn’t trust me with stuff, it’s just how our relationship has come along. she only sees me as goofy and unserious, which is a large part of my personality, but i CAN be serious if needed. its just that i try to keep things on the light and positive side. when we hang out (which is happening less and less lately), it’s just absolute bs and them gushing over their boyfriend. which, i don’t mind. i just like that we’re hanging out and being silly together.
next is a friend i think is insane but also super funny. (she/her (she calls herself an ‘amorphous blob’ and i love it). she’s annoying as hell, it’s actually insufferable. but most of the time she’s tolerable. she’s an english and history and philosophy nerd, so she constantly talks about some book she read or yaps about the French Revolution or complains about the sentence length of the Communist Manifesto. but i’m a math and science nerd. really, we don’t have much in common when it comes to our interests. but we’re smart people with interdisciplinary interests. she’s also just a good person to talk with. yes, sometimes she gets very intense, but most of the time she’s a good person. i’ve told her some things i haven’t told anyone else (not actually true but she’s the one i’ve talked about it the most with) and she’s always open to listen to me complain and always willing to give advice. (and the same goes with me to her).
she’s really not as bad as i make her out to be. we’ve all got our quirks, hers are just slightly more obvious and annoying than others’, but she’s good people.
third is a friend i’ve made this year (she/her). i have memories of her from last year, but i became friends with her this year because she’s friends with my second friend and bc we have Stats and Lunch together. and she’s a good mix of everything. she’s more of an english/art nerd, but she’s not insufferable about it. she’s very level-headed and a good person to talk with. i really enjoy our conversations. she’s listened to me complain about my Boy Problems and has given my very good advice on how to handle it. honestly i kinda feel bad not having more to add about her, but she’s just one of those people who you just get (and who gets you) and doesn’t need a long description because they are just a good friend.
and last of the people i consider my actual friends is my only friend that is a boy (he/they). i feel like he and i aren’t actually really friends compared to how im friends with the three previously mentioned people, but i still like to call them my friend. idk they’re just fun to talk with (when i rarely talk with them). ok the more i’m thinking about this, the more i really question the evidence i have to call him my friend. i see him at most twice a day, and talk to them maybe one of those times. and just- idk it’s weird.
(this has happened twice a couple of months ago and has not happened since) i’d post a note on instagram about sumn and he’d reply with some random response, i’d have really nothing to reply with, i’d like his text, and that’s it. we don’t talk about it again. or sometimes he’d randomly bring up something that happened to him, which i really don’t mind. actually it doesn’t happen as often as i would like. I LIKE TALKING WITH HIM. BUT WE RARELY TALK BECAUSE WE HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT. the longest conversation we had was about a school project into college financial aid.
ok well, sometimes we do math together because we both like math. (we’re nerds, i know)
it’s annoying being in this weird limbo. i feel like i can’t talk to him without making it awkward.
ok well so me and friends 2,3, and 4 make up what i call the “lunch crew” (bc we do lunch together) and honestly we have some of the best conversations when we’re all together. like we’re talking about the most random shit and sharing some semi-personal details (our sexualities) and i really appreciate how we feel comfortable with each other that we can share things like that.
oh acquaintances. i should mention the people im friendly with (im friendly with everyone (well, most people)) but im not FRIENDS with everyone. i’ve got some people in my classes i talk to.
i’ve got one girl in my Calc III class that i enjoy talking to. she always asks me how my morning has been and we be goofy about calculus together. honestly i kinda miss her when she isn’t there :(
and i’ve got a sophomore i once had one sided beef with but i honestly now admire him. he’s incredible at his instrument, and yes ofc being overshadowed by a kid that’s younger than you is annoying, but ive made peace with it and now i really enjoy seeing him work his magic. if he doesn’t get into Juilliard, im gonna pissed. i’m sincerely rooting for this kid.
“Why Can’t We Be Friends” is such a perfect song for this post. the singer is hoping to be friends with whoever he’s singing to, and i’m hoping to be friends with my friends and make new friends. i mean my relationships are a little less dire and more established than the relationship in the song, but the gist is there. lyrics aside - the song is just goofy. 50% is “why can’t we be friends?”, 50% is that weird psychedelic funk shit i’ve come to enjoy. i could have picked the original version by War, but the upbeat, faster tempo and the general wackiness of the Smash Mouth version i think just fits my situation better. (both versions are still weird as hell. what are these lyrics???)
i mean i talk to people. i’m not a complete loner. i know i don’t really come off like it, and i certainly like my alone time (and often do prefer it), but i really do enjoy company. like, i went to europe on a “class” trip over spring break. and we went to pubs a couple times to watch a soccer game. now, i don’t care for soccer one bit, but i still enjoyed the experience because i was with my peers.
despite all of this, i don’t know anyone outside of school. i barely know anyone outside of the 5 people i see everyday. i hear people all ‘oh i was talking with so and so’ but how the hell do you start conversations that last and are meaningful? how can i initiate conversations without fearing for being annoying or bothering? i never know how i can start conversations and not feel bad about being a nuisance.
so this whole rant comes from graduation coming in not even two months (oh god) and how ill probably never see these people again. i talked with my dad about this, and he’s actually still best friends with one of his friends from high school 35 years later, and he says that friendship is a two way street. if you want to be friends, you have to try. so i hope to be able to keep in touch with these people after graduation and into college, but im scared everything is gonna get too much and we’ll lose contact.
but such is life, i suppose. you gain friends, you lose friends. but im gonna hold onto my friends as long as i can. (you can’t get rid of me that easily)
May 2, 2025
Related Recs
🌫
hi, i have very little friends, which most i don’t always get to talk to frequently.
i feel like i do not hold significance in other people’s lives, and it makes me wonder what is wrong with me and why is it difficult for me to sustain friendships in which i don’t have to question them or spiral over my interactions with. i wonder if i’ll ever get to a point in being able to act and talk freely with a friend without concern and have my presence be enjoyed. for now, it feels like i am chasing dying sparks. how do people have their people?
Feb 25, 2025
❤️
This piece really spoke to me, and as recently as 2 weeks ago. My bestie (other friends) and I are just in very different phases of life. She had been busy raising a family and I had far more time on my hands. I had understood, of cos. But still I resented that I had 'lost' a cherished long time friend, I knew in my head, that it's entirely legit that she is busy. And she had felt she had nothing to contribute to our friendship since her stories are all about babies and kids. But after looking around for substitutes and other activities - actually found no one/anything that has any semblance of what we had. So I decided to just call her and just made that reconnection again. I had accepted that 10 mins of her time daily far outweighs 10 hours of someone I don't connect with or have no fond history with.
This doesn't just apply to friendships I realise. Because building and maintaining relationships takes actual work. I mean you both have to want to. And you have to have tradeoffs. You can't be rigid, and you can't get all your needs met... But what I learned, is this agreement to still call and leave messages, text back and forth. We had to try different modes and different ways. Previously I also got really upset when I finally got hold of the person, and start off with angry accusations. This too didn't work, because he would get pissed because I was pissed. We still don't have it pat-down (friends/relationships) but my changed perspective did help, especially for me.
https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/relationships/friendship-maintaining-healthy-relationships-text-calls-memes-5e66e221?st=2jl247gjqb814wr&reflink=desktopwebshare_permalink&utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email
Apr 10, 2024
🫴
Speaking to a friendship aspect: finding my people was initially exhilarating. Being seen and accepted, feeling joyful and excited to spend time together, feeling like a team in the world rather than competitors are all things my first experiences with my best friends felt like. But there were also points where we pissed each other off or hurt each other or grew apart. what set apart these Friendships was being able to talk about it and wanting to be open about our hurt or anger. We reciprocally put in work to stay connected. I could trust my friends would listen to me and try to do better. i could Also trust that I would be forgiven when I needed to do better. To this day, they are the most transformative relationships I’ve had in adulthood and I’m always so grateful for them.
Feb 18, 2025
Top Recs from @jill_m56
✨
i’ve changed my behavior in what i think has been pretty drastic ways recently. i have no idea why. and it’s really confusing me and sometimes really pissing me off.
-i started an instagram spam/photography account. why? i don’t know, why not? i told myself i needed a new hobby, so i chose photography. it’s easy, it’s accessible, it’s fun. and i posted 2 things already cuz idgaf what people think, and i promoted it!
now why is this an issue? i dont post. i posted one of my cats for her birthday on my regular account because i felt the need to. i wanted to. but i don’t know why. she’s cute, sure, and everyone should see her, but why did i post it? there was no logical reason to.
-on a similar note, i have this entire fucking blog. again, i never post, yet ive been posting on here like every three days. and its shit i would never tell people i know. i mean i ranted about my friends to random strangers on the internet but i will never confront my friends about what i was complaining about. i mean im using this as a way to get my feelings out cuz god knows i have no one to talk to.
ok but this now makes me ask where the line between being dramatic and letting out feelings is. is me saying i need someone to talk to because im about to explode dramatic or is it me trying to be emotionally healthy? is asking for help me just being a drama queen or is it me looking out for myself?
and then where is the line between sharing feelings and over sharing? is this whole thing me just sharing how i’m feeling or is this over sharing?
-i have a crush that im allowing to take over my mind for some reason. which is really annoying me. at first it was a cute little crush on a friend (which, already a bad idea) and id just be delusional about it, but then i told 2 of my friends about it (more bad ideas) and im fairly certain he knows i liked him (oops).
but he also clearly doesn’t like me back, which, eh. i didn’t really want anything to come from it anyway. i’ve found myself wanting to experience what dating would be like, but when i think about it logically, it scares the hell outta me and disgusts me. like seriously e w w. see, i dont know if i actually like him or if i just want to get to know him better because i have no friends.
hes a good guy, dont get me wrong. but hes just a guy. there’s no reason to be getting worked up like this.
-ive also just found myself liking my friends more. i used to think i was someone who would be perfectly content in flying solo my whole life. but now im starting to get why people have friends. cuz i really fucking love my friends. they are always so great to be around and are so nice to talk with.
i want to hang out with them. but i don’t know what they’ve got going on in their lives and if they’d want to hang out with me. plus i don’t want to ask, get turned down, and then it get awkward. (it’d be an awkward conversation. it wouldn’t stay awkward. but still)
regardless, i love hanging out with them in school. even if its only like 40 minutes a day, i love it.
-and really the entire reason for this,
im becoming more outgoing! i’m going up to people more, im being silly and just more myself around people. i’m putting myself out there more! (clearly)
but my problem with this is that i felt like i was starting to become annoying. i sometimes annoy myself with how much i talk to myself, and ive noticed im sometimes like other people who i see people find annoying
and this really freaked me out. so much so that i asked my friends if they thought i was annoying. they all said no, of course. 3 said that she likes listening to people talk and says that i deal with me the most. 4 said that im the voice of reason most of the time, that i don’t actually yap as much as i say i do, and that i could be so much worse like him (which idk where he’s getting that he yaps a lot (which is the same thing he said about me) but i digress). and 2 said that i feel this way because im becoming less constrained and more like myself.
and that all really made me feel validated!!! like i was friking jumping around because i felt so good hearing that my friends don’t hate me! they are all so damn kind! ❤️
but most people know me as a very reserved person. they know me as someone who doesn’t speak unless spoken to, who just sits there by herself, who is perfectly content on being by herself. but they don’t know that i like hanging out with other people and i’m trying to be more outgoing.
(ok sidebar. it’s not even like i’m consciously doing this i stg it’s just happening)
like i was sick the last couple days and lost my voice one morning, and my dad literally said, “oh no. you’re not gonna be able to be the chatterbox you usually are”. my mother once fucking described me as a “broken faucet”.
well i said how i was becoming more outgoing, but i just cried at the idea of having to talk to strangers ._. (crying in a church bathroom honestly is great)
but, i’m changing, clearly. and i don’t know why. is it because im a piece of shit who sucks? is it because i see this working for the people around me and want that for myself? is it because ive given up caring about what people think about me? (it’s a lot this last one). or it might just be because im allowing myself to be me. i’m allowing myself to be who i am, to be my usual silly self, to not hide away my interests and opinions, to have emotions and feelings and not bottle them up.
i’m growing as a person, and i like it. i’m still figuring out who i am of course, im still young, i got plenty of time, but there’s nothing wrong with exploring and playing around.
also i’ll just throw in “Yes I‘m Changing” by Tame Impala at the bottom here. it’s self explanatory as to why
2d ago
😆
i have a Note called “i think, therefore i am” where i write down all the thoughts i have that i want to document for whatever reason. and they are honestly really funny. (i think they’re funny at least)
here are some of my favorites
-*doing math*
“i blew a negative!!”
the guy named a negative: 😏
-i am fueled by delusion, spite, and crosswords
-eye contact is actually the worst thing ever
-“you okay? you look deep in thought”
“oh no. quite the opposite”
-“i was- i was gonna have thoughts-“
-when your first crush hits you so hard you find religion
-buttocks!!!
-catching feelings? nah ur gonna catch these hands
-who, what, when, where, why THE FUCK
-“i have thoughts sometimes INSTAGRAM WHY DO YOU LET ME NAME A LINK BUT DONT SHOW IT ON THE PROFILE wait how long can i make this ok im trying to add the bee movie script but its not working oh there is a limit-“
-i <3 eye contact
-*i drew Honse on my paper*
my teacher: i like your dog
me: it’s a horse… :(
-friend that is a girl: i think im lesbian. i don’t think i like men
me (girl): you have no reason to *turns to friend that is a boy* no offense-
friend that is a boy: heh-
May 5, 2025
🤗
ive recently been inspired by a friend to actually share my feelings. not in a silly, self-deprecating way anymore, but in a ‘i’d like to talk to someone who would actually listen’ serious way.
he’s got a blog on here too, and yes, he’s literally promoting it and it’s out to the public, but it still feels weird to read bc it is such a personal thing.
but i think there’s beauty in sharing personal feelings like that. ive been joking saying im just exposing myself, but releasing these feelings is what i need. i need to learn to open up and stop bottling everything up and pretending im ok
(side note - i actually have no idea what ok actually is. sometimes i think i am actually fine and happy, that these are just regular people problems, that sometimes im just blowing this out of proportion. but sometimes i also think these problems shouldn’t be minimized and that talking with someone (either a journal like this, a friend or trusted adult, or a legit therapist) would significantly benefit me)
and before anyone goes saying ‘jUsT tAlK tO a THerApiSt’ i’m seriously considering it. i’m just trying other alternatives before i commit to something. plus my last attempts at therapy did not inspire confidence in the practice.
i’ve got a journal i’ve been writing in for nearly nine months now, and while it is nice to write, idk i feel like screaming into the void and maybe someone who feels the same way i do seeing this will make it feel even better. plus im too stingy with the way i have my journal set up. it’s more to just document my day with the occasional feelings (or 6 pages worth of feelings), but this blog is for long-form, organized feelings. (plus typing is much nicer than writing by hand for longer things like this)
i’m also gonna try and remember to add songs recs (the entire reason for this app, right?) that vaguely correspond with the content of the post.
recently, i’ve added A LOT of songs to my playlist. most notably “Basket Case” by Green Day. it’s been on repeat lately. it kinda just matches the confusion and chaos yet self awareness i’ve been feeling recently. i’m not the best at music analysis (which also is kinda the point of this app ._.) so i’ll just say: i just like everything about it. it’s relatable, it’s fun (take that with a grain of salt, but ykwim), it’s catchy. it’s a good song to belt out when im home alone and feel like singing something with deep meaning behind it
(pls don’t come at me for not being able to analyze lyrics. i’m not smart enough for that) (ok there i go again on my own putting myself down. but what i mean is im just not good at analyzing literature and stuff)
ok well im looking through my friend’s blog that inspired all this, and he goes a lot more into the music rec part (which, again, the point of this app), with the feelings tied in. but they’re also a huge music nerd and i’m not. and a large part of why im doing this is the catharsis with the music recs as a secondary priority. (tbf we all probably already know and love “Basket Case”)
but idk y’all are weird. i saw someone just recommend their cat so. (tbf, i recommend my cats too). i mean the big recommendation for this post is expressing feelings and not bottling them up. it’s really helpful just getting it all out.
anywhooooo,
i like yapping, in case it wasn’t obvious. and if i do it like this it’s faceless to a bunch of people who will a) never see it or b) never know who i am or c) not care or d) relate to my problems and give some good advice and tell me im not alone.
ok this is already doing its job. im enjoying writing this shit down. it’s cathartic! i feel so much better just getting these feelings out and not bottling them up!
Apr 30, 2025