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I’m a senior in high school. I’ve always been scared of growing up—change used to twist my stomach. I liked the routine: the same halls, the same faces, the predictability of it all.
but now? I want change more than anything. I want to take my exams, get into college, and finally breathe. high school has given me everything it could—every storyline played out. I’ve laughed, cried, gone through every cliché. there’s nothing left to squeeze out of this chapter
I remember being a junior, thinking I’d be heartbroken to leave. but I outgrew that feeling faster than I expected…
I think rewatching Friends for the fourth time is helping. that show has this way of making me feel okay even when everything’s uncertain. like, maybe it’s fine not to have it all figured out. maybe change isn’t something to fear but something to lean into
I want to grow. I want to step into new adventures, new messes, new moments that don’t feel like reruns. I’m still scared, a little. but I want this now
change doesn’t mean losing who I am—it means becoming more of who I’m meant to be
May 6, 2025
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I’ve been scared of growing older & change for my entire life (i fear I have been dreading this since elementary school) and ever since I entered university I’ve lived in fear of having to become a real person in the unknown and scary world that comes after that outside the confines of a structured academic environment … (i blame growing up in a very academic-stressed environment where your entire life purpose was to get into a good university so like after that’s done what’s left?) it always felt like after university, life just ended which is an INSANE take because most people are literally 21-22 when they graduate. YOUR LIFE IS JUST BEGINNING!! you’re barely even a real person yet! you literally barely turned the right age to walk into a bar in the USA!! somehow, after 4 years of dreading this day, i think i finally got it out of my system and now that I graduate in less than a week, i have realized that it’s truly not that deep and there’s so much out there to learn and so many people to meet and so many ways i will change and grow. you are the one who defines how your life will go, and while thats a bit intimidating- it’s also comforting because you can quite literally choose your own adventure and so the things that make you happy and live according to your rules- you don’t have to follow someone else’s manual or some structured system! every stage of life has its own unique aspects and benefits, and I truly feel so privileged for having the opportunity to be alive and go through them all and learn- anyway reminder to anyone who also struggles with the fear of the unknown/change/growing up. I’m so excited for the next stage in my life yipppeeee!
May 12, 2025
I think I'm at the point of the life where I can finally feel grateful for the direction things are going, which is weird because if you asked me four years ago about the current standing of myself and everything, I'd be confused. And I think I have time to thank for my many epiphanies.
Time is scary, and that's what haunts me when I go to sleep. However, it can be a double edged sword. Though I may panic about the goodbyes I'll never properly say, the inevitable truth that I will no longer be a teenage girl and impending adulthood, time has graced me with a few things.
Instead of thinking waking up as a chore, I wake up eager to do things even if it's a mundane chore, to learn about a new obsession, to read, to love, to yearn.
The bonds I've formed, no matter how small or quick they dissappear. I'm lucky to say that I've learned at least one things from people I've formed relationships with, some miniscule compared to others. From these I've accepted to be raw, authentic, and to be present rather than to lose myself in the past or future
The ability to see what I've accomplished rather than what I haven't, to be compassionate to myself above all which I wish was something I had as a young adolescent.
I wish I could go back in time to thirteen year old me, even in a dream, and tell her to accept and live even in the midst of hell being a teenage girl. To take the risks and how even though the end of the fall is far, she'll have something to land on. To reassure that things do end up in her favor and instruct her to do the hardest thing ever: wait.
4d ago
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This could change when I hit 40 (lmao), but the older I get, the more confident I know who I am. I feel more and more sure of myself, and less and less concerned with how others view me.
My life is my own, and comparing it to other's is a disservice to myself and the path I'm now on.
Do I still experience guilt, regrets, doubt? Of course I do.
Do I know what I'm doing with my life? I might have less of a clue than I did in my twenties.
Do I still feel like a weird little freak, like I did in my teens? Hell yeah, some stuff just never changes.
I still enjoy things I loved as a child, like video games, Pokemon, stuffed animals, and giggling.
I still enjoy things I loved as a teen, like pop punk music, being annoying, and singing whenever the mood strikes.
I still enjoy things I loved in college, like dancing enthusiastically, writing amateurish poetry, and crushing on women who will never, ever be into me.
But now I'm just...30. More health issues. More scars. More silvery hairs that sparkle in the sun like some vampiric trope made real.
But also...more memories that sweeten with time. More time spent in awe and revelry. More reveling in the beauty of nature. More of my own innate nature revealed to me as I sit with myself more, alone.
I feel thirty, flirty, and thriving. I also feel as a child, as a teen, as a drunken young adult, bumbling around without knowing if what I'm doing is right.
I'm just doing my best. That's all you really can do; embrace how you are now, and how you are tomorrow, and again, and again, and again.
May 13, 2024
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Feb 25, 2025
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is indifference the trend now? it seems like the moment someone shows genuine interest in something, they’re met with the same dismissal as a child asking one too many questions—I'll explain later. but later never comes
yesterday in literature class, something clicked. I finally grasped the scientific reasoning behind a certain work, and it fueled me, inspired me to discuss interpretations with my peers. but when I spoke up, I was met with silence—a subtle, unspoken cue to keep my thoughts to myself
in that moment, I felt embarrassed, even stupid, for wanting to dig deeper. but later, I realized they might have just wanted some peace after a long lesson. maybe it wasn’t about me at all…
however, this wasn’t an isolated moment. time and time again, when I try to have meaningful conversations about things I truly care about, the response is often the same: why are you even thinking about this? why does it matter?
somehow, not caring has become the golden standard. indifference is effortless, and effort is something to be mocked. it’s "cool" to disengage, to float through school without interest, to never give things a second thought. and those who do care? they’re met with resistance, as if their curiosity itself is an inconvenience
the whole chill guy persona and the propaganda of nonchalance do more harm than we realise. we glorify the effortlessly cool, detached observer—the person who never tries too hard, never gets too invested, never asks too many questions. passion is seen as cringe, enthusiasm as uncool, and intellectual curiosity as trying too hard. and yet, it’s exactly this mindset that holds us back
when we stop seeking, we stop growing. when we refuse to ask questions, we accept what we’re given without ever challenging it. nonchalance might feel safe—it protects us from judgment, from looking foolish, from admitting we care—but it also makes us stagnant. it robs us of the thrill of discovery, the depth of connection, the joy of truly understanding something
so maybe it’s time to let go of the chill guy persona and the nonchalant act. it’s time to embrace caring—deeply, unapologetically, wholeheartedly. because the world doesn’t move forward on indifference. it moves forward on those who dare to be curious and whimsy…
Feb 26, 2025
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live passionately!!!!
use exclamation marks!!!
live a little and feel even more!!!!!
Feb 24, 2025