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I think I'm at the point of the life where I can finally feel grateful for the direction things are going, which is weird because if you asked me four years ago about the current standing of myself and everything, I'd be confused. And I think I have time to thank for my many epiphanies.
Time is scary, and that's what haunts me when I go to sleep. However, it can be a double edged sword. Though I may panic about the goodbyes I'll never properly say, the inevitable truth that I will no longer be a teenage girl and impending adulthood, time has graced me with a few things.
Instead of thinking waking up as a chore, I wake up eager to do things even if it's a mundane chore, to learn about a new obsession, to read, to love, to yearn.
The bonds I've formed, no matter how small or quick they dissappear. I'm lucky to say that I've learned at least one things from people I've formed relationships with, some miniscule compared to others. From these I've accepted to be raw, authentic, and to be present rather than to lose myself in the past or future
The ability to see what I've accomplished rather than what I haven't, to be compassionate to myself above all which I wish was something I had as a young adolescent.
I wish I could go back in time to thirteen year old me, even in a dream, and tell her to accept and live even in the midst of hell being a teenage girl. To take the risks and how even though the end of the fall is far, she'll have something to land on. To reassure that things do end up in her favor and instruct her to do the hardest thing ever: wait.
4d ago
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This could change when I hit 40 (lmao), but the older I get, the more confident I know who I am. I feel more and more sure of myself, and less and less concerned with how others view me.
My life is my own, and comparing it to other's is a disservice to myself and the path I'm now on.
Do I still experience guilt, regrets, doubt? Of course I do.
Do I know what I'm doing with my life? I might have less of a clue than I did in my twenties.
Do I still feel like a weird little freak, like I did in my teens? Hell yeah, some stuff just never changes.
I still enjoy things I loved as a child, like video games, Pokemon, stuffed animals, and giggling.
I still enjoy things I loved as a teen, like pop punk music, being annoying, and singing whenever the mood strikes.
I still enjoy things I loved in college, like dancing enthusiastically, writing amateurish poetry, and crushing on women who will never, ever be into me.
But now I'm just...30. More health issues. More scars. More silvery hairs that sparkle in the sun like some vampiric trope made real.
But also...more memories that sweeten with time. More time spent in awe and revelry. More reveling in the beauty of nature. More of my own innate nature revealed to me as I sit with myself more, alone.
I feel thirty, flirty, and thriving. I also feel as a child, as a teen, as a drunken young adult, bumbling around without knowing if what I'm doing is right.
I'm just doing my best. That's all you really can do; embrace how you are now, and how you are tomorrow, and again, and again, and again.
May 13, 2024
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mirabelle! congratulations on making it to 16, having an undeveloped brain and going through puberty kinda blows. so i'm proud of you for surviving what might be the weirdest time in your life for self perception, relationships (of any kind), and mood, lols.
i'm 31 now. i'll be 32 this year so i'm twice your age! i could really like go AWFF and give you the full run down of my life story but perhaps i'll save that for another post.
i actually read this book when i was a teenager called Einstein's Dreams. it's about all these different realities where time behaves differently, it's really cool. it made me think a lot about the future! speaking of Eisntein, time is relative. so each year that passes, goes faster than the one before. 1 year of your life when you're 10 is 1/10 of your life. as you get older that fraction gets smaller and smaller and smaller. sometimes a year feels like 6 months. it's wild. i also recommend you read "4,000 weeks time management for mortals" it's not really about time management, it's about changing your perspective so you can live a life!
one thing about life that will always be true no matter what age you are is that it's always going to be messy. you can have your shit together and shit can still go awry. it's how you pick yourself up from that mess and move forward that determines the next phase/step and ultimately the rest of your life!
so your frontal lobe does not develop until your 25. your frontal lobe is responsible for basically making sure that you can move through life with a rational mind. at some point you should google "what is the frontal lobe responsible for" and then give yourself hella grace if you are struggling in some of those areas. i low key wish we didn't go to college until we were 25. you are still SO young in your 20s. i still feel like i'm 27.
when i turned 25, it was like the fog cleared and suddenly i felt calm. i wasn't so angry (still angry but just less angry) as i was when i was much younger. i had a lot to be angry about, my therapist can confirm this.
now this doesn't happen to everyone... but because i'd SEEN some shit when i was younger i have a very different perspective on relationships and the world in general. i dated a really kind, generous, giving man for 10 years from 20-30. when i turned 25 i started really questioning if i should stay in this relationship. he never gave me a huge reason to leave, it was comfortable, safe, and familiar. so i stayed. when i turned 27 things really started to shift. i learned how to properly feed myself so i didn't feel like shit all the time and so my body wouldn't break down and stop working. again, i'd seen and been through some shit as a kid. when my mood improved, i was able to really grow into myself. i started to become the person i dreamed of becoming when i was 8, 9, or 10. i wish i had had the chance to become that person as a teenager, but life doesn't always work like that. and age is dumb and life is (hopefully) long! also if anyone tries to date you that is significantly older than you before you turn 30, RUN.
i realized that most of my decisions i made in my late teens into my 20s were done because (a) i was living in survival mode and (b) i was doing what i thought i "should" be doing.
as a women and a child of shitty parents, i never learned to put myself first. i never learned how to live for joy, i never learned how to listen to my heart, mind, body, and SOUL. i started to realize i had to leave this relationship because i wasn't happy. and that was enough of a reason and arguably the most important.
now i'm rebuilding my life. but, i'm trying to be the person that when i'm 60 (god willing), i'll look back and say thank you for taking care of me and this body and also fuck yeah that's a fucking life!!! those two outcomes don't have to be mutually exclusive.
also adults don't know shit. some adults do and some adults DON'T. some adults never mature beyond middle school. i wish i was kidding. i teach middle school science so i work with kids and parents, i am a reliable source on this. learn how to identify the adults that know what they're talking about and are mature and the ones that don't.
my advice to you as a yung cherub, if i may, is
(1) find your passions and try to make a life out of those passions. or find a job that let's you pay the bills + still follow your passions on the side. this will keep you going.
(2) LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. there is a wisdom so ancient within us. it KNOWS. listen to it, nurture it, thank it.
(3) make as many friends as possible. close ones, acquaintances, party friends, friends you can vent to, friends you can go on walks with, friends you can pick up right where you left off even if you haven't seen them in years. there's this saying that stuck with me -- "we're all just walking each other home" maintaining friendships is the secret sauce that makes life so delicious. the people you keep in your heart are like the stars that light the sky as we walk each other home (corny alert). also connections RULE and can help you get to where you want to go in life! all the rest of it is pretty meaningless. 🤷🏻♀️
so yeah that's about it! i am wishing you an awesome rest of your LIFE!!!! also if you peak in high school and college that's a fucking loooooooong time to be on the decline. stay weird. be different. do you. and love big!
Apr 12, 2025
I turned 21 in february 2020, so, ya know. My world changed quick.
But truly I just remember trying various things, trying to define and undefine myself. Feeling what it felt like to stick to my guns, then readjust them. I was in the middle of what would be a 2.5 year relationship. I didn't kid myself with picturing a big future anymore than what was sweet, which was wonderful. I was living with a partner for the first time and felt like I knew what to do, like I was experienced enough for all the problems which faced me. but really I was just experienced enough to start so many things.
I was constantly bouncing between total pride and complete faliure. Playing house in a house I was actually renting with friends. Experimenting with what grocery shopping for myself meant to my life, redifining how I was going to live my days in the future.
The best thing I did in my 21st year of life was not be too mean to myself for not committing, and just committing to new things. I would go dance in the park, go on walks, edit music. All things I wish I did on the regular but regardless, by trying new things, it made it so much easier to pick them up, because I had a frame of reference for the world.
I loved being 20, as depressed as I was. That specific creativity is gone. But now I am 25 and know how to weild my own magic. The depth I have always felt within my soul has farther definition. Its like I put on glasses in a 7th dimention. Don't underestimate the beautiful growth ahead. Yes you are an adult, equipped hopefully to start so many new things. But keep up that internal work, and the years will be bountiful towards true inner peace.
And soo many more new tools to better learn how to tackle issues while still feeling like yourself.
u got this. stay true to urself but be flexibl with redifining who that is.
x
Jun 12, 2024
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I cried like a baby the other day, and honestly I'm glad I did.
In my core class I was doing some research on my EE topic, mainly focusing on Marina Abramović since I'm obsessed with her work so obviously my essay is revolved around her.
Anyways,
Amidst my research I took in time to view a fuller extent of The Artist is Present'. I knew it was an all day things, how people lined up to view it and even how celebrities such as Alan Rickman and Bjork sat with Abramović. The main thing about this was to have a conversation without words and instead utilize eyes, expressions, and sighs.
I know there are photos and videos of people crying and such when meeting Abramović, but she wouldn't have any extreme reactions other then smiling or sometimes shedding a single tear. Moreover, she would not move her arms nor extend them to the person sitting across from her.
Ulay was a German performance artist who had a relationship with Abramović with twelve years and after mutually agreeing to separating, they decided to meet each other at the great wall of China. The two started at opposite ends and met at the middle which took three months, they hugged, and this act was called 'Lovers'.
I love artist lore especially when it's about two people who have history together in the same profession.
Anywho so one day while Abramović is seated with eyes shut, a guy takes a seat on front of her and when they lock eyes the two immediately becone teary eyed.
Because it's Ulay and their first time seeing each other in years.
They cry, laugh, smile, and for the first time extends her arms to hold Ulay's hands, to which he takes.
So yeah, seeing it made me bawl and it's overall such a powerful clip. I think everyone should watch it.
I think too that it encapsulates that despite growing far from a previous loved one, the emotions are still kept in tact waiting for a chance to sprout again.
Feb 20, 2025
I think that one of the telltale signs of summer being bestowed upon us is the sound of the ice cream truck. Personally I find strawberry shortcake to be my favorite, followed by the Powerpuff girls one <3
Jun 2, 2025
I have always adored art ever since I was in preschool. I loved creating characters or even doing my own renditions on characters and movies.
I even took time during lockdown to work on my interest, putting in hours of learning anatomy and structure.
However for a while I've been in a slump of sorts, I've lost creativity and the fuel to continue.
It's been hard, especially since drawing and creating is something I've been putting effort to what seems like eons at this point. I even decided to just quit altogether and pursue something else as a dream career.
There had become a point where my boyfriend gave me a pep talk and to prove his point he had read me a book he wad reading for philosophy called 'The Republic';
"All great things are precarious... Beautiful things really are difficult" and in his own words told me -
"It occurs often throughout the text, anything that is easy will never be beautiful, for if it is easy it won't have the scars and marks of something built through struggle, those scars and marks are the cracks through which beautiful shines most brightly", which I think helped me.
For the past month in my art class I've been researching a style called 'Jugendstil' and got a bit of inspiration again. I want to show off what I made because I'm genuinely happy with my product since a hot minute.
Anyways moral of the story, don't beat yourself up if you don't find something about you or what you make up to your standards, because beautiful things take time.
Feb 27, 2025