Rec
☕
first blog post.
not sure how this whole shablam works, but thought I'd give it a go. have the urge to write bs about my life for anyone who's listening. feel like I'm talking to myself, but I like doing that so I'm happy with whatever.
sunday
starting the day off right -- a can of chickpeas (with lime juice, garlic, and olive oil), a mandarin, and a coffee. thinking about what I want to accomplish. got a fuck tonne of schoolwork to do (it's really not that much, but it is when I spend the entire school day fucking around and wishing I was getting stuff done) might try finish some of it. got the day off work today, but clocked in for a dream shift last night so feel like I've worked overtime.
to do list
- breakfast, but you already know about that. trust me, don't knock on the chickpeas 'till you've tried them, they changed my life.
- finish stats assesement, who gives a FUCK about fat content in bread?
- maybe start my english work. should have started two weeks ago.
- start something crafty ----- I yearn to craft, but have crafters block or whatever. that's why I started a blog, I love to write. I tried writing fanfic last week, but got an essay of a hate comment that hurt my feelings. god forbid a girl try something new.
- walk my dog on the beach. this used to be a mindfulness activity for me, but I've been corrupted by podcasts and audiobooks. now I don't know how to be alone with my thoughts anymore. advice?
goals and aspirations
☆ BUY A VAN
if you know me in person you KNOW I've been annoying as FUCK about this. so basically, I really REALLY want a van. I'm looking for an old toyota hiace that someones put the bare bones of utilities in, so I could theoretically live out of it. nothing fancy, because who would I be without a project?
☆ CRAFT
another reason why I want a van -- I need something to craft for. I know how to crochet, but have nothing TO crochet. a van would give me a vessel in which to dedicate my crafts. want something to crochet? blanket for my van! sewing project? curtains for my van! cushions! a duvet! want to try your hand in some painting? good, because the inside is probably in desperate need of a revamp.
☆QUIT MY JOB
I'd written something really funny and cynical about my job here and why I want to quit, but my mum saw it & said that it was a 'sackable offense'. that'd save me the hassle of having to put in my two weeks, but I've got a reputation to uphold. also a van to pay for. guess the world just isn't ready for my comedic genius and sardonic honesty.
my 2025 resolution
make bad art. read long books.
for TOO LONG I have been afraid to do things that I'm bad at. I'm not sure what I enjoy doing or what I'm just good at doing. but this year that changes. I'm gonna make BAD art. I'm gonna write a blog, and it'll probably be shit. make the art exist and worry if it's good later. I'm going to READ that long book. I've been feeling like time is moving faster than I can run, and that I'm running out of it. I've been far too hesistant to do things slowly. but the time will pass anyway, so I'm going to stop being too afraid to use it.
SHIT POST OVER, that's a bit about me.
ft pictures of breakfast today, I reckon I'd survive the apocolypse. thanks for reading if you've made it this far :kisskiss:
May 25, 2025
Comments (7)
it takes a lot of courage to even attempt to write a fanfic, and it takes absolutely none to leave a hate comment !!
May 25, 2025
@MEDUSAMUSE aww thanks haha - I reckon I'm still gonna post the second chapter, but I'm not gonna pretend my feelings weren't hurt. appreciate it :) xx
May 25, 2025
@ADRIEN_FELL_OVER chickpeas are gonna get me through the apocolypse I swear
May 25, 2025
Related Recs
Rec
📨hello!!!! i want to start making this blog weekly now.
- as some followers may know, i've committed to college at last. it's weird with things coming to an end, but with "ending" being a common theme in this blog/life, i'm actually kind of soft on it.
heres what i've been listening to: Forever Howlong : Black Country, New Road Squid (discography) Total euphoria : caroline
as seen, my music taste has gotten more upbeat as of recent. Total euphoria by caroline has been cemented as a staple in my go-to songs now, it's like your soul being ripped from your chest from the air and then breathing in. and then out. it's a wonderful experience with its own little production quirks. the prime suspect is its out-of-time instruments, where the guitars are actually playing different tempos. and then on top of all that the drums sort of wash in and out when they want to. then a bass drop? this isn't my folk band!
I highly recommend caroline, especially their debut self-titled album. some favorites off of those include IWR and Engine (eavesdropping). very spiritual and easing music.
aside from that, how have i been? i've been #exploring my wonders and interests. creating a rigid identity is something i've found to be important. who am i between switching personalities for certain people? one of the identifiers has been how i am awkward. many can attest to it, but i don't think it's something i'd just drop immediately for confidence. people find it amusing, i think it's a good source of kindness for myself; there's a way to materialize it into something that doesn't give other people second-hand embarrassment. i might talk too fast or too slow, take a while to respond, make too much or little eye contact,, it's random!!! but that's for the best!! we don't have to be rigid in specificity. it just matters that we see things in ourselves that generally describe who we are.
i've taken many trips, much too many trips to a specific town recently. the record store just calls my name and i always find myself being in the way between record crates while i kneel down looking at jazz cds. i'm getting a lot of cds! i always make sure to treat myself by getting at least one LP. some recent purchases have been: Promises : Floating Points, Pharaoh Sanders, London Symphony Orchestra Pink Moon : Nick Drake Hellfire : black midi all around wonderful finds. i know its good to buy things outside of my comfort zone... but let me get everything else first! i do my musical experimentation with cds. some recent CD purchases include.... Sketches of Spain : Miles Davis Discipline : King Crimson Speak No Evil : Wayne Shorter Giant Steps : John Coltrane
it's good to consume, well when you have the money. other times, maybe just imagine you're consuming? paint a picture. you'll usually have a matcha latte (btw new obsession) outside a bakery, on a bench in the rain. do you need the drink to savor the moment? if you're out of money, maybe try sitting in silence like that! a brain-lock into our outside moment might be important.
I think back to a quote from my notes in my notes from sept-oct 2024. i was in a rough patch then, still am, but more then. i hated myself, despised a lot of my own self-being, but one quote made its way out of my fingers: idk maybe some on-spirit growth can happen before any professional help, and honest support from those i had, i typed that for myself. i think it is in our innate desire to do better that we achieve our ideal selves. because i'm fulfilling that unsure "maybe", by truuuly taking time for myself. it's wonderful, and i don't exactly have to love myself. but tolerating who i am and having respect for myself has done wonders . i mapped out who i want to be, and formed a list of things to do before college starts. and it's working so far! so take charge. it takes a long time; i'm only seeing the real vision about 6 months later after saying that, but you will make it, even without that direction. good night! i hope to continue this weekly and hope you got something out of this post :)
heres what i've been listening to: Forever Howlong : Black Country, New Road Squid (discography) Total euphoria : caroline
as seen, my music taste has gotten more upbeat as of recent. Total euphoria by caroline has been cemented as a staple in my go-to songs now, it's like your soul being ripped from your chest from the air and then breathing in. and then out. it's a wonderful experience with its own little production quirks. the prime suspect is its out-of-time instruments, where the guitars are actually playing different tempos. and then on top of all that the drums sort of wash in and out when they want to. then a bass drop? this isn't my folk band!
I highly recommend caroline, especially their debut self-titled album. some favorites off of those include IWR and Engine (eavesdropping). very spiritual and easing music.
aside from that, how have i been? i've been #exploring my wonders and interests. creating a rigid identity is something i've found to be important. who am i between switching personalities for certain people? one of the identifiers has been how i am awkward. many can attest to it, but i don't think it's something i'd just drop immediately for confidence. people find it amusing, i think it's a good source of kindness for myself; there's a way to materialize it into something that doesn't give other people second-hand embarrassment. i might talk too fast or too slow, take a while to respond, make too much or little eye contact,, it's random!!! but that's for the best!! we don't have to be rigid in specificity. it just matters that we see things in ourselves that generally describe who we are.
i've taken many trips, much too many trips to a specific town recently. the record store just calls my name and i always find myself being in the way between record crates while i kneel down looking at jazz cds. i'm getting a lot of cds! i always make sure to treat myself by getting at least one LP. some recent purchases have been: Promises : Floating Points, Pharaoh Sanders, London Symphony Orchestra Pink Moon : Nick Drake Hellfire : black midi all around wonderful finds. i know its good to buy things outside of my comfort zone... but let me get everything else first! i do my musical experimentation with cds. some recent CD purchases include.... Sketches of Spain : Miles Davis Discipline : King Crimson Speak No Evil : Wayne Shorter Giant Steps : John Coltrane
it's good to consume, well when you have the money. other times, maybe just imagine you're consuming? paint a picture. you'll usually have a matcha latte (btw new obsession) outside a bakery, on a bench in the rain. do you need the drink to savor the moment? if you're out of money, maybe try sitting in silence like that! a brain-lock into our outside moment might be important.
I think back to a quote from my notes in my notes from sept-oct 2024. i was in a rough patch then, still am, but more then. i hated myself, despised a lot of my own self-being, but one quote made its way out of my fingers: idk maybe some on-spirit growth can happen before any professional help, and honest support from those i had, i typed that for myself. i think it is in our innate desire to do better that we achieve our ideal selves. because i'm fulfilling that unsure "maybe", by truuuly taking time for myself. it's wonderful, and i don't exactly have to love myself. but tolerating who i am and having respect for myself has done wonders . i mapped out who i want to be, and formed a list of things to do before college starts. and it's working so far! so take charge. it takes a long time; i'm only seeing the real vision about 6 months later after saying that, but you will make it, even without that direction. good night! i hope to continue this weekly and hope you got something out of this post :)
Apr 29, 2025
Rec
🎶- Fall to knees and ask God “Why must you punish me? I’m far too handsome to not be in magazines!”
- Resign to room
- Scroll, weeping at the bottom of Instagram
- Click furiously through every one of your tagged photos
- Learn nothing about yourself
- Ask every girl you’ve ever slept with to rate your performance
- Watch Mad Max: Fury Road with your mother to learn what masculinity means
- Read top 12 pieces of relationship advice from How I Met Your Mother on Buzzfeed
- Throw out your 2-in-1 and buy a seperate shampoo and conditioner
- Listen to Jerkin Fendrix every day for a month
- Google yourself so many times that you start trending
- Read back your love letters to southeastern French villages, and know that you were really just writing about someone
- Busy yourself with trying to understand who you are and forget your dogs birthday
- Wake up every day and re-remember all that has been taken from you, like the whole of Groundhog Day combined with just the second half of 50 First Dates
- In one moment, feel more like you want to die than ever before in your life
- In the next moment, feel more like you want to try than ever before in your life
- To be who you know you could be
- To be an outrageous rock and roll icon
- To be a masterful lover
- To be the best dressed guy in this Shoreditch venue
- To be on the cover of So Young magazine in collage form
- To be a well-regarded DJ of rare techno on vinyl only
- To be the hero of your dope childhood dreams
- Put on fresh socks and a Kanye west album, to find your next calling
- Buy a coffee table book on minimalism, and a new sweater
- Cut your own hair badly and start using a face scrub
- Unfollow every girl every girl who posts pictures of healthy meals
- And every girl who posts pictures of happy meals
- Give yourself a hilarious name on Facebook
- Pretend not to know who Lil Yaughty is
- Tell everyone you meet that you’ve never seen black mirror
- Throw out your bedframe
- Put your mattress on the floor
- Destroy your aeropress and start drinking instant coffee
- Act like you know nothing about craft beer
- Bitch about every group in South London
- Start defining yourself purely by the things you hate
- Know you have become the antithesis of your 2016 manifesto
- You are so lost in my plight to exist, that you have forgotten to live, and you forgot to love
I love you. Good night
Jul 16, 2025
Rec
📆I am right in the middle of a very big transitional period in my life. I've got 22 days left of my corporate job. In 30 days I will be arriving in Lisbon for a one month stay where I will finish my book, work on a collaborative project, go to the beach, meet new people, find new opportunities and heal (literally, I am 99% sure I am about to medically diagnosed with stress). This starts a journey of Becoming A Full Time Artist that is terrifying and precarious. I am about to move back home but I'm not seeing it as a step backwards even though I will miss sin house very much.
I've been dating for the first time in years after two back-to-back ill-advised long distance situationships lol. I feel more connected to who I am and what I want now. I like connecting with new people and learning about them. I like that people want to go on dates with me.
I've been making an extra effort to see my friends. I've missed them so much. Being with them makes me realise what life is all about.
I've been writing songs and recording old ones. I'm playing my first headline show in a really long time tomorrow. I've been reframing how I think of my music career to find validation in small successes and in developing my craft - rather than acquainting the number of plays I get to my worth. This is not easy and yet I persist.
I've been feeling better post-heartbreak. I've also been finding out I have to go for an MRI and a tilt table test to confirm once and for all my heart is okay. My heart has taken a battering in every possible way but it finally feels like I can see some light. I was told to avoid all strenuous activity and heavy lifting eight months ago but the other week I finally got the go ahead from the hospital that it's safe for me to do it again. I have been able to move again and I've started playing badminton and I really love it. I even did a little run on the treadmill last week whilst screaming along to Brat!! It felt euphoric and I can feel my body getting stronger. Life is good/messy/chaotic/scary/exciting/still somehow peaceful
I've been dating for the first time in years after two back-to-back ill-advised long distance situationships lol. I feel more connected to who I am and what I want now. I like connecting with new people and learning about them. I like that people want to go on dates with me.
I've been making an extra effort to see my friends. I've missed them so much. Being with them makes me realise what life is all about.
I've been writing songs and recording old ones. I'm playing my first headline show in a really long time tomorrow. I've been reframing how I think of my music career to find validation in small successes and in developing my craft - rather than acquainting the number of plays I get to my worth. This is not easy and yet I persist.
I've been feeling better post-heartbreak. I've also been finding out I have to go for an MRI and a tilt table test to confirm once and for all my heart is okay. My heart has taken a battering in every possible way but it finally feels like I can see some light. I was told to avoid all strenuous activity and heavy lifting eight months ago but the other week I finally got the go ahead from the hospital that it's safe for me to do it again. I have been able to move again and I've started playing badminton and I really love it. I even did a little run on the treadmill last week whilst screaming along to Brat!! It felt euphoric and I can feel my body getting stronger. Life is good/messy/chaotic/scary/exciting/still somehow peaceful
Top Recs from @ocelotsontoast
Rec
'twas three days before the ball... I did not have a gown. my mum let me take a day off school to go into town (with my #bff @HV3RVAMP!!) to look for a dress. went into a vintage shop called Zigurat (or smth like that), and the first dress I tried on FIT LIKE A GLOVE. apparently it was custom made for someone back in the day, and OH MY LORD, if you had told me it had been made for me specifically I would have believed you. the photo doesn't really show it, but it shimmers and changes colour in the light, from green to aqua to orange -- this dress is MESMERISING. one of a kind, and the price tag had me believing it too - $175. worth every penny.
shoes I just wore my platform docs because I didn't have time to find anything else -- also first photo was before I'd done my hair, I didn't end up wearing it in plaits like that lol
May 26, 2025
Rec
⚧️so if you saw my previous van post, you'd notice I was referring to her as 'she'. that's what she's always been to me, in fact I had the plan that if I ever did buy this van, I'd name her Shelby. HOWEVER -- I just got a text from the seller who referred to her as 'he', 'him', and most shockingly... 'Mr Chilli'. now I won't dismiss the name, it is pretty cool -- but who am I to deny the beautifully feminine and womanly energy that she emits? there's no doubt about it. this is NOT who she is in her soul.
of all of the adventures I'd hope 'Mr Chilli' would take me on, I never expected we'd take the path of self discovery. if all the stars align and I find myself in guardianship of this van, I'll be sure to guide her on the journey into becoming the beautiful Miss Shelby ♡
May 27, 2025
Rec
⭐GOT THE AA TEST BACK FROM THE VAN, AND IT'S LOOKING GOOD!!1!1 spoken to my father and he said we can have a look at buying it TOMORROW!!!11! I could own my DREAM VAN. TOMORROW. also, I've booked in my restricted license test for two weeks from now, my instructor said I've got this in the bag if I do a bit more practice, ANND I think I'm gonna lop all my hair off again. long hair just isn't me, and I feel that in my soul. looking back I worried that I wouldn't suit short hair, but I've come out the realization that last time I was just an awkward tween with no sense of style, and just a really bad hair cut. this time it'll be different, I've found myself, I no longer look like a 12 year old boy and, more importantly, I think I've found a hairstyle that would suit me. in a few short weeks I could have A VAN, my restricted, and AWESOME SHORT HAIR. things are great for me rn.
May 29, 2025