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it’s not suicidal ideation it’s something meaningfully different, the feeling of wanting to phase out of existence for a few days/weeks/months/years and come back when you’re ready. i feel like my entire life ive hinged my willingness to live on far flung dates in the future. i have a vivid memory of me being in 8 years old convincing myself everything will be alright if i can just live to see the premiere of the need for speed movie (i never watched it). the need to have something in the distance to live for is something i wish came endemically, but instead im constantly searching for whatever thing/person i need to stake my life on. it’s why i think i want to disappear for a bit, just to see if anything changes. maybe i need some r&r or maybe i need to get a grip. jury’s out.
22h ago
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when things are just going so well that you get scared as hell waiting for it all to fall apart. It’s a normal feeling, but a dirty, nasty thief of joy. Don’t let it convince you to borrow grief from the future and ruin the now.
also, I moved a hell of a lot growing up too and I also thought I wanted to root myself in one place forever and ever when I “grew up” — it was just an outsized response to the reality of my moment. As an adult, I get itchy when I stay in one place too long and I’m realizing that a substantial part of who I am will always have 1 eye on the horizon. I’m figuring out how to make peace with that now. I’m also leaning into the fact that I am much more comfortable with change than most of my peers! it can be a super power if you let it :)
Dec 29, 2024
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Probably once or twice a month, maybe more in the winter months, I spiral enough to start searching for entirely new jobs that I have no experience in in new cities. These usually include farm work or something to do with being at a vineyard or anything that requires being outside. I think I find comfort in the idea that I really could always pick up and start a new life, even if I don’t want it - like the exit is always there.
Dec 21, 2023
There’s something I feel like I’m chasing all the time. I catch glimpses of it when I’m relaxing in nature or when I’m with friends. Like the desire to settle but I just can’t.
Jan 18, 2025
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i’ve been going out more, i’ve been trying to stay sane, i’ve been mostly searching for confirmation that theres not something fundamentally and inextricably wrong with me. i think it’s easy to tacitly believe in your own worth but it’s harder to act in a way that respects yourself, it’s far easier to denigrate yourself to the point of worthlessness than it is to come to terms with the fact that you may still have potential and value. misery is an intoxicating and inviting feeling. there is a perverse pleasure in being miserable and convinced of your inalienable worthlessness. i’m looking for god in my city, i need to put my faith in something so i don’t blow my brains out. every time i pass a church i contemplate praying, im not even christian. there’s an allure to offloading all that exhausting heavy lifting of finding a reason to live over to some deity. i might ask a pastor or the next person i see if there’s any hope for my redemption. comment down below what you’re doing to stay sane
1d ago
Recently bought the 100 Classic Book Collection for the Nintendo DS. Pretty unreadable, but I love the novelty!
5d ago
returning to places that you can vaguely recall is harrowing. the ground was moved by us yet will outlive us. you were a different person years ago and were here. you’re now here where you once were. who were those people you were with? who were you?
1d ago