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And understanding the difference.
For a long time, I used to conflate the two as if they were the same thing. I would feel a really strong connection with someone because we had undeniable chemistry, but weâd end up really unhappy (even volatile) in the long run because we lacked the same needs, values, goals, communication styles, etc. We lacked all of the major elements of compatibility that would have helped us sustain a healthy, long term relationship â whether it be romantic or platonic.
Understanding the difference has made such a positive change in my life. Thankfully, my partner and I have a good mix of both chemistry and compatibility, which has been really fulfillingâbut it took me 32 years to learn that lesson.
1d ago
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Not to add fuel to anyoneâs avoidant attachment, cuz human connection can be the most rewarding experience and I have some incredible people in my life, but being in any kind of unhealthy/mismatched relationship is the most exhausting experience. It takes up far more of your mental energy than you even realize, especially if youâre someone who can lean anxiously attached and tries to ârepairâ these relationships â like me.
Sometimes you can work out differences with some honest communication, but sometimes it is far better to de-escalate or end things, recognizing that some people have different values or are in such a different place where a long-term connection just isnât possible â or at least possible, right now.
Be honest with yourself and each other when a relationship feels exhausting â romantic or platonic â and if youâre not certain what you need, take some space to clear your head and find your own inner voice again. It might be trying to tell you something if you take the time to listen.
May 28, 2025
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This is an interesting question for me because I've been thinking about it a lot. I've been in this weird postpartum period where I can recognize someone is attractive, but the only person I'm attracted to is my husband (and Megan thee Stallion). Which leads me to this reflection: I think my type greatly varies depending on my sexual energy.
I've never had an exact type. I think I projected a lot of attractiveness onto people meaning, I was basically soaked in sexual energy and I wasn't picky. But it's different if I was just trying to have a good time vs. wanting a relationship. I can tell that when I was younger I filled in the gaps with my own energy. I think any person can be and is attractive.
Every person I have gotten into a relationship with I did because I had fun with them. I think I've always wanted a relationship to feel like a best friendship. I learned I really needed to ask for more because that didn't equal good partnership with most, if not all, of those relationships.
My husband I initially was attracted to because he's hot as fuck (specifically, he has really long dark curly hair and I was like YOWZA), but the greater attraction grew from getting to know him. We have fun every day, but it was apparent how much care he gave to all people. He was a good friend to everyone, and he was very reliable. He has such integrity that I'm still enamored by. He is an enigma and any box you put him in will immediately be destroyed. Like damn, I get to be with this person forever!!!! Maybe a lot if this is biological because I'm older and have kids, but someone that is mature, kind, has integrity, and responsible really hits the spot.
Feb 26, 2025
A few days ago, I unexpectedly ran into my ex-boyfriend, with whom I ended things two years ago. It was an unusual encounter, as we always seem to cross paths at significant moments, as if the universe is at play. The last time we crossed paths was on New Yearâs Eve, just minutes before midnight, which left us feeling awkward. This time, it happened on his birthday, which felt almost deliberate, especially since I had just been thinking about whether or not I should send him a message. But when is the right time to leave people in the past?
Thereâs something uncanny about bumping into someone from your past â a topic that doesnât get discussed often enough. We all have someone who once played a crucial role in our lives â a partner, a best friend â people who, for one reason or another, have drifted away. Yet, at the same time, these people continue to influence who we are today. They serve as a small reminder of what no longer fits, while the core of who they are remains the same. It often feels as if you last saw them only yesterday, even though life has continued to move forward. You give each other a brief update on your lives, occasionally exchanging smiles, with a hint of awkwardness lingering now and then.Â
After this unexpected encounter, I shared the experience with my current partner, who gave me a gentle hug of understanding, without finding the situation odd. It felt right to express how I felt about it â that it was both strange and familiar, that we had taken the time to catch up, but that there was nothing more to it than that fleeting moment. Knowing that the person Iâm with now understands where I'm coming from gives me confidence that Iâm in the right place, that I can feel safe enough to share my past as we focus on building our future together.
After all, love is love, even if some parts of it linger in the past. Realizing that time isn't always linear allows us to see how certain things continue to resonate in the present â memories that arenât confined to the past but extend into the future, shaped by the choices we make and the people we choose to share our lives with. After a while, you feel a sense of peace, knowing that all the moments were valuable or instructive.
There is something both beautiful and confusing about encountering people from our past â a fleeting moment that seems to pass in the blink of an eye before it fades away. Itâs the recognition of each otherâs lives, of who we once were and who we still are, while finding happiness with someone new and genuinely celebrating each otherâs growth.Â
As we hugged goodbye, I couldnât help but reflect on how right he had been back then â that I would eventually find someone I truly deserved, someone better suited for me, and that he would too. It signifies that we have brought so much good into each otherâs lives and are now able to move forward with who weâve become.
Aug 26, 2024
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Iâm not a parent and do not plan to be. Kids can wear me out fast with their high energy and noise level; it leaves me very over-stimulated. But itâs pretty extreme when people say they âhate kidsâ and I often feel itâs a reflection of their childhood and beliefs around how kids âshould be.â That they were expected to be quiet, obedient, and out of the way by their parents when they were little.
Itâs fucking hard to be a kid. Youâre dealing with a rapidly-changing body and underdeveloped brain, managed by flawed adults who are enforcing boundaries that you do not understand. Itâs confusing and hard to manage your feelings and honestly just a lot.
People are impatient with kids when theyâre brand new to the world and figuring it all out, and this is a time kids need a friend the most. Children can also be teachers to adults with how they are less habituated to the world. They teach us how to be free and open-hearted and silly and imaginative.
A good practice is to be kinder and gentler with kids. If that feels difficult, start with gentleness toward your inner child. Maybe thatâs the child in your life that needs your attention and kindness most.
Apr 16, 2025
May 6, 2025
I meant to post this yesterday. Absolutely beautiful morning for walk.
This morning is also beautiful but in a spring rain kind of way.
Mar 23, 2025