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im 30 and this is deep

This could change when I hit 40 (lmao), but the older I get, the more confident I know who I am. I feel more and more sure of myself, and less and less concerned with how others view me. My life is my own, and comparing it to other's is a disservice to myself and the path I'm now on. Do I still experience guilt, regrets, doubt? Of course I do. Do I know what I'm doing with my life? I might have less of a clue than I did in my twenties. Do I still feel like a weird little freak, like I did in my teens? Hell yeah, some stuff just never changes. I still enjoy things I loved as a child, like video games, Pokemon, stuffed animals, and giggling. I still enjoy things I loved as a teen, like pop punk music, being annoying, and singing whenever the mood strikes. I still enjoy things I loved in college, like dancing enthusiastically, writing amateurish poetry, and crushing on women who will never, ever be into me. But now I'm just...30. More health issues. More scars. More silvery hairs that sparkle in the sun like some vampiric trope made real. But also...more memories that sweeten with time. More time spent in awe and revelry. More reveling in the beauty of nature. More of my own innate nature revealed to me as I sit with myself more, alone. I feel thirty, flirty, and thriving. I also feel as a child, as a teen, as a drunken young adult, bumbling around without knowing if what I'm doing is right. I'm just doing my best. That's all you really can do; embrace how you are now, and how you are tomorrow, and again, and again, and again.

@chickeninshoes

May 13, 2024

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Thought i was getting somewhere, but had so little of what i know now

I turned 21 in february 2020, so, ya know. My world changed quick. But truly I just remember trying various things, trying to define and undefine myself. Feeling what it felt like to stick to my guns, then readjust them. I was in the middle of what would be a 2.5 year relationship. I didn't kid myself with picturing a big future anymore than what was sweet, which was wonderful. I was living with a partner for the first time and felt like I knew what to do, like I was experienced enough for all the problems which faced me. but really I was just experienced enough to start so many things. I was constantly bouncing between total pride and complete faliure. Playing house in a house I was actually renting with friends. Experimenting with what grocery shopping for myself meant to my life, redifining how I was going to live my days in the future. The best thing I did in my 21st year of life was not be too mean to myself for not committing, and just committing to new things. I would go dance in the park, go on walks, edit music. All things I wish I did on the regular but regardless, by trying new things, it made it so much easier to pick them up, because I had a frame of reference for the world. I loved being 20, as depressed as I was. That specific creativity is gone. But now I am 25 and know how to weild my own magic. The depth I have always felt within my soul has farther definition. Its like I put on glasses in a 7th dimention. Don't underestimate the beautiful growth ahead. Yes you are an adult, equipped hopefully to start so many new things. But keep up that internal work, and the years will be bountiful towards true inner peace. And soo many more new tools to better learn how to tackle issues while still feeling like yourself. u got this. stay true to urself but be flexibl with redifining who that is. x

@chai

Jun 12, 2024

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life gets clearer and never stops being messy

mirabelle! congratulations on making it to 16, having an undeveloped brain and going through puberty kinda blows. so i'm proud of you for surviving what might be the weirdest time in your life for self perception, relationships (of any kind), and mood, lols. i'm 31 now. i'll be 32 this year so i'm twice your age! i could really like go AWFF and give you the full run down of my life story but perhaps i'll save that for another post. i actually read this book when i was a teenager called Einstein's Dreams. it's about all these different realities where time behaves differently, it's really cool. it made me think a lot about the future! speaking of Eisntein, time is relative. so each year that passes, goes faster than the one before. 1 year of your life when you're 10 is 1/10 of your life. as you get older that fraction gets smaller and smaller and smaller. sometimes a year feels like 6 months. it's wild. i also recommend you read "4,000 weeks time management for mortals" it's not really about time management, it's about changing your perspective so you can live a life! one thing about life that will always be true no matter what age you are is that it's always going to be messy. you can have your shit together and shit can still go awry. it's how you pick yourself up from that mess and move forward that determines the next phase/step and ultimately the rest of your life! so your frontal lobe does not develop until your 25. your frontal lobe is responsible for basically making sure that you can move through life with a rational mind. at some point you should google "what is the frontal lobe responsible for" and then give yourself hella grace if you are struggling in some of those areas. i low key wish we didn't go to college until we were 25. you are still SO young in your 20s. i still feel like i'm 27. when i turned 25, it was like the fog cleared and suddenly i felt calm. i wasn't so angry (still angry but just less angry) as i was when i was much younger. i had a lot to be angry about, my therapist can confirm this. now this doesn't happen to everyone... but because i'd SEEN some shit when i was younger i have a very different perspective on relationships and the world in general. i dated a really kind, generous, giving man for 10 years from 20-30. when i turned 25 i started really questioning if i should stay in this relationship. he never gave me a huge reason to leave, it was comfortable, safe, and familiar. so i stayed. when i turned 27 things really started to shift. i learned how to properly feed myself so i didn't feel like shit all the time and so my body wouldn't break down and stop working. again, i'd seen and been through some shit as a kid. when my mood improved, i was able to really grow into myself. i started to become the person i dreamed of becoming when i was 8, 9, or 10. i wish i had had the chance to become that person as a teenager, but life doesn't always work like that. and age is dumb and life is (hopefully) long! also if anyone tries to date you that is significantly older than you before you turn 30, RUN. i realized that most of my decisions i made in my late teens into my 20s were done because (a) i was living in survival mode and (b) i was doing what i thought i "should" be doing. as a women and a child of shitty parents, i never learned to put myself first. i never learned how to live for joy, i never learned how to listen to my heart, mind, body, and SOUL. i started to realize i had to leave this relationship because i wasn't happy. and that was enough of a reason and arguably the most important. now i'm rebuilding my life. but, i'm trying to be the person that when i'm 60 (god willing), i'll look back and say thank you for taking care of me and this body and also fuck yeah that's a fucking life!!! those two outcomes don't have to be mutually exclusive. also adults don't know shit. some adults do and some adults DON'T. some adults never mature beyond middle school. i wish i was kidding. i teach middle school science so i work with kids and parents, i am a reliable source on this. learn how to identify the adults that know what they're talking about and are mature and the ones that don't. my advice to you as a yung cherub, if i may, is (1) find your passions and try to make a life out of those passions. or find a job that let's you pay the bills + still follow your passions on the side. this will keep you going. (2) LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. there is a wisdom so ancient within us. it KNOWS. listen to it, nurture it, thank it. (3) make as many friends as possible. close ones, acquaintances, party friends, friends you can vent to, friends you can go on walks with, friends you can pick up right where you left off even if you haven't seen them in years. there's this saying that stuck with me -- "we're all just walking each other home" maintaining friendships is the secret sauce that makes life so delicious. the people you keep in your heart are like the stars that light the sky as we walk each other home (corny alert). also connections RULE and can help you get to where you want to go in life! all the rest of it is pretty meaningless. 🤷🏻‍♀️ so yeah that's about it! i am wishing you an awesome rest of your LIFE!!!! also if you peak in high school and college that's a fucking loooooooong time to be on the decline. stay weird. be different. do you. and love big!

@chronicwebuser

Apr 12, 2025

Top Recs from @madhearts

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Pain is Inevitable, but misery is optional

An ideal world is one that knows no pain. That, sadly, is not the one we live in. Pain is a part of the human experience—but failure to move on from it makes you miserable. If you dwell too much on what has happened, you will never be fulfilled enough to see all the good you have/ that is to come. Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of a situation. ‘And in fact, it’s time to forsake someone else’s idea of what gives you a spark or no spark. Block the “other” from the picture. No more audience. Just you.’ Whether you choose to take that responsibility (of acceptance), or give it up to the disappointments of life, you return to yourself. The choice is whether to wallow in the misery of that pain, or take it as it comes and look at what it has to offer you.

@madhearts

Jul 18, 2024

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Filming every Little thing

"You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place. Like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you'll never be this way ever again." - Azar Nafisi, Reading Lolita in Tehran The best decision I’ve made this year was to start a video journal of my senior year and capture every moment—no matter how insignificant—to keep the year frozen in time. No matter how much time goes by; no matter how many characters I change to become, I’ll always have these videos to remind me of my essence—where I come from, and what made me. It doesn’t matter that the cusp of them are 0.5x videos of my friends’ foreheads, clips of me crying in public restrooms, and logs of us stealing grocery store carts to race them down the street—these moments are what I stay alive for.

@madhearts

Jul 22, 2024

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Tracking your listening habits

“woman says ‘i love this song’ after every song on her own playlist” (core) i always notice music; music is what feelings sound like. because it has to, the world will change—and people will too. naturally, one of my favorite parts of the year is between late november and early december: spotify wrapped season. keeping track of people’s listening habits (to figure out whose allowed on aux) has always been a nosy pleasure of mine. i never want to lose connections to change; music allows me to sever those relations—“you listen to catherine wheel?”… “i didn’t know you were into fiona apple too!”—it’s a great way to form bonds. music connects people. i for one relish in this understanding. i, unfortunately, am an impatient person and cannot wait until the end of the year. i take this ngenart quiz monthly to record my own listening analytics as i continue to delve deeper into this interest, and share them casually in hopes that others will join in.

@madhearts

Oct 26, 2024