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I got no idea how to even begin describe my resentment (and guilt because of said resentment) towards my friends who have it better than me.
I once had to sleep with no heater (on winter!) because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to pay the bills. Another time, I literally passed out because I didn’t have any meals for 24 hours. I had work, then class, then more work that I just forgot to eat.
I’m in infinitely better place now - I could send my Mom money and I have an average savings on my account. I also maintain friendships, many of whom with people that come from better families than me.
i promise you im not always so resentful. But today, when a friend of mine posted a random compliment a stranger gave (“you really have it all! A career, a startup of your own, and youre good at sports and so hot!“) and I just couldn’t shake the ugly green monster inside of me. He was born from a wealthy family — with more than two businesses and expanding, he is athletic because his family could afford all the extra classes and he has been sheltered from all the financial stress and family stress that he was able to study well, got into good university, and the rest is history.
I feel so so awful for feeling this way. He has never been mean to me and i know for sure he is humble enough to not rub that off in front of his friends (incl me) but i just cant shake this ugly feeling.
A, i’m so sorry but i think i will stop coming to badminton games for awhile now. i’m so envious of you :(
Jan 1, 2025
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confession time !!
I feel extraordinarily mediocre at everything I do. it’s everywhere: english class, hockey practice, every social interaction I’ve ever experienced. I always hear “you’re doing just fine”, but that feels like what they say to 8 year olds who can’t read yet. it’s like Im always 1 step behind being “impressive”. why do I want that for myself anyway? I choke on the feeling of being average so viscerally, that I become just so.
anyway, if this is relatable to anyone the most helpful advice I’ve ever received on the matter is to shut up! stop comparing yourself to everyone around you!
thanks :)
Feb 7, 2025
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The first one that came to mind: Growing up, I never really got any props or gold stars for the stuff I did. You know that whole "I'm proud of you" thing? Yeah, never heard it. And now it's like I've got this annoying voice in my head always whispering "you're not good enough." I mean, I've got a decent job, make good money, but there's always this feeling like I don't deserve any of it. Like I'm some kind of impostor and any day now everyone's gonna figure out there are way better people who could do my job. It's exhausting, honestly. And don't even get me started on compliments. When someone says something nice, I just freeze up. No clue how to react. It's like my brain short-circuits or something.
Jul 18, 2024
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1. Pride. I'm proud of myself 🩷
2. Greed. I like money and the prospect of power. Health may come and go, but money is forever 💋 One doesn't live out of love either.
3. Gluttony. I feel decadent when I'm able to indulge.
4. Lust. I see a similarity in it to greed that isn't necessarily correlated to sexual desire, but rather a persistent hunger that sticks with me.
5. Sloth. These days I'm busy but my true nature resides in doing nothing and embracing the horizontal lifestyle.
6. Wrath. I feel like I've been expressing it more when I feel mad (before, I used to be reserved about my feelings), which is good, but if I feel to much of it, my head hurts.
7. Envy. I don't necessarily feel envy. I do take inspiration from what I see and it sticks with me, but I do not wish ill upon people who would be considered to have it better than me.
Jan 21, 2025
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lately, i’ve been feeling extra loving to my friends. maybe it’s the end of the year and upon reflection, i realized that the number of friends i have in my life has been shrinking as i go older. Its hard to keep in touch with peoplee you see 3-4 days a week in high school / university once you start working and worries about bills and the future start to consume your life on a more regular basis - and so when i have people i could call friends, i just felt extra mushy inside. not to mention that my friends (esp the guys) are hella darn cute and im having the worst case of platonic crush
I think its normal though (having crush on your friends). i mean, these people are consistently (mostly) kind to you, sweet, and you hang out semi regularly… like isnt that enough for a crush?
Anyway, im just so so grateful i’m ending the year with few people i could call friends. I got no idea what the future holds, but i do hope i can still keep them for a few years….
Dec 24, 2024
Matthew Perry’s death hit me hard, even after 1 year. Reading his autobiography also broke me to pieces. rest in peace :”)
Dec 24, 2024